Q: My 12-year-old daughter is devastated by what has been
happening with Justin Bieber. She has been a fan of the pop star “forever” and she
and her friends fervently follow his career and personal life. I originally
supported my daughter’s obsession (allowing her to buy his music, hang posters
in her bedroom, attend a concert, etc.), because I thought he was a good role
model. But now I am at a loss. My daughter cried over his break up with Selena
and was confused, disbelieving and hurt by his recent assault and battery
charges, seemingly poor choice of friends, and insensitive statements about
Anne Frank. I’m afraid Bieber is going
to become the next Brittany Spears and that his breakdown may adversely affect
my daughter—any help you can offer will be appreciated!
~ Bemoaning Bieber, Boston, MA
A: Dear Bemoaning,
We have to remember that the word fan was derived from fanatic.
Many tweens fall hard for celebrities because these fantasy relationships are
rehearsals for romantic and friend relationships that they aspire toward having
in real life. For your daughter, Justin Bieber may have become kind of a
surrogate boyfriend— idealized as “perfect in every way,” talented, romantic,
kind, and completely focused on her.
Bieber’s recent behavior challenges your daughter’s fantasy,
because it is clear that he is not perfect. And although that may seem silly to
adults, the disappointment is very real for her. But this disappointment, like
the infatuation, can be an experience that teaches her about human
relationships – to realize that no one is perfect and to recognize both the
‘good’ and the ‘bad’ qualities in potential partners.
There are several ways you can help your daughter cope and
grow from this experience:
1) Acknowledge
her feelings, and let her know that it’s okay to feel them. Her ideal of
Justin Beiber was really important to her--her loss of it is real, and her
sadness is valid.
2) Talk with
her about differences between how media portray a person and who that person
really is. Ask her to think of times when she’s seen a picture or heard a
story about someone she knows that she thinks doesn’t match what she knows of
them. Then explore with her the images, videos, and stories of Bieber not as
accurate representations of a 19-year-old boy, but as products manufactured by
producers and publicists to be sold to her and to people like her.
3) Talk
about the price of celebrity. Justin Bieber is still a teenager, but as a
public figure and the center of a multi-million dollar enterprise, he is under an
enormous amount of scrutiny and pressure. Rather than condemning his poor
behavior and bad break-up, talk about these incidents with your daughter in
light of the amount of responsibility he has. Everybody makes mistakes; instead
of focusing on his wrongdoings, talk about how he can recover from them.
4) Help her think
about how this lesson can be applied to other real-world experiences.
Tweens and teens often spend hours honing their profiles, pictures, and
messages to present themselves in the most attractive ways possible. Your
daughter’s ability to see through the “positioning”, photoshopping, and editing
of Bieber can help her look beyond the carefully created photos and profiles of
her peers, making it possible to get to know who they really are.
Above all, you can help this situation be a positive
learning experience for your daughter. Leave her space to grieve her idea of
who he is (acknowledging that she never did and still doesn’t really know), and help her gain a more nuanced and
realistic understanding of how real human beings behave and what healthy, human
relationships are like.
For additional insight see:
Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®
