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Answers are posted every Monday and Thursday, so email your questions about media and kids to cmch@childrens.harvard.edu 

If my kids grow up without TV, will they feel left out?

Q: Our family does not have a TV or video game system in our house since my husband and I don't approve of the shows and games that are out there. Some of my friends tell us that the kids will feel left out of social groups since they won't know about the shows and characters their friends talk about.  What do you think?
TV-Free Family in Burlington, VT

A: Dear TV-Free Family,

There are not a lot of families that go without TV these days, so your friends are likely just shocked that it is actually possible to live without one! Research has not shown any negative effects of growing up without a TV. But here are some things to know about the challenges your kids may experience. 

Kids talk a lot about media, even from a very young age. These conversations give them a chance to move beyond the "it's-all-about-me" conversation that kids eventually grow out of. Media is a shared cultural experience they can connect with other kids over. Obviously there are lots of other things for kids to discuss, so it might be worthwhile to help your children identify other topics to connect over such as sports teams, books, music, and dance.

Other challenges arise from the sheer fact that we live in such a media-saturated world. That is to say, at some point, your children will be exposed to movies and TV and if, like many of my patients who grew up without TVs, they don’t learn how to manage their media time, they may arrive at college and spend 16 hours a day using what has become "forbidden fruit." Therefore, I think it is essential to teach them how to live with and use media in healthy ways—perhaps even more important than it is to ban TV from the house altogether.

To help teach them how to use media in healthy ways, find some kind of media that are acceptable to you (such as a specific movie or sports event) and watch them alongside your kids. Then have a conversation where you can help them work through any questions or reactions they might have. Using this approach, you can give them the skills they need to expand their worlds through media and to protect themselves from harm.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician

How should parents introduce TV to their kids after they turn 2?

Q: I am an educator, and I often recommend to parents that they follow the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for no TV under age 2. I’d love to be able to tell parents how to go about introducing TV to kids after they turn 2. What do you recommend I say to them?
Teaching about Television in North Reading, MA

A: Dear Teaching about Television,

Thanks for spreading the word about the AAP recommendation; having teachers reinforce this message to parents is very important. How to incorporate TV into children’s lives is an excellent question. I think there are 3 questions parents would most likely want to hear answers to:

What should they watch? Choose material that is very safe and warm. Young children are in a very different emotional and cognitive place than adults are, so even though kids’ programming like Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood might seem slow or repetitive or excessively sweet to you, it is often just right for them. Also understand, however, that each child is an individual. Some find Barney very comforting, but others find him scary because he’s a big purple dinosaur.

Another thing to think about is what age a show is designed for. For example, Sesame Street may seem like a great choice for 2 year olds because it is warm and safe, but it is actually designed for 3-5 year olds.  Two year olds simply can’t absorb the kind of learning that Sesame Street offers, regardless of how smart they are, so although they can copy someone counting to 10, they don’t truly understand the concept of numbers. They won't be harmed by watching it before they are ready, but if they do, they will be bored with it by the time they are old enough to reap its benefits, and they will miss out on that experience.

How should they watch? After parents select appropriate shows, they should watch these shows with their children--especially when they are first introducing TV. Young children learn better from educational media when watching with their parents. Parents can label objects the kids have never seen, answer questions, and even ask their own, for example pausing a show to say “What do you think will happen next?” Parents can also elaborate on lessons from TV programs or videos by pointing out similar situations in the child’s own environment. (See a related Parent Perspective about Dora the Explorer.)

How much should they watch? Young children have limited attention spans, so any activity should fall within one attention cycle. They should spend the same amount of time watching TV as they would spend drawing or building with blocks. At age 2, their attention cycles last for about 20 minutes. Also, be sure to leave a lot of room between TV time and bed time, since TV can rev kid up instead of calming them down. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician

How do we handle the barely clothed adults on billboards?

Q: How do we handle all the barely clothed adults that we see on billboards, in the form of underwear, perfume, and even soft drink ads? My 7-year-old finds it "funny" that all the young people in the ads always have their pants unbuttoned—that is, of course, when they are indeed wearing pants. 
Baffled by Billboards, in San Francisco, CA

A: Dear Baffled by Billboards:

It’s always tricky to navigate your kids’ exposure to these kinds of images. Most kids, particularly young ones, don’t really get it. To them, the half-naked models just look silly—like they forgot to finish getting dressed. But even though it might seem like the messages are going over their heads and are therefore no problem, you are right to be concerned.

I'm not saying that these ads will change a child's behavior immediately.  But over time, kids get the idea that these kinds of sexual images are what's normal. Kids are constantly taking in what they see and hear to understand how the world works.  If mommy doesn't respond to that image, they figure it must be normal.  But if mommy comments that she also thinks it's silly, maybe it's not really how things are.  These early interactions lay the groundwork for how kids will interpret such images as they grow, as well as whether they should seek to copy that kind of behavior.

Although it might not be obvious, you actually have a fabulous opportunity here: This is a ready-made entry point into teaching your kids media literacy. For younger children, like your 7-year-old, laugh with her as you talk about how silly it is to sell clothing using pictures of people who are barely wearing any.  Or comment that it doesn't seem to make sense that you'd sell a can of soda with these pictures, and ask her what kinds of pictures she would use to convince people to buy a soft drink.  Instead of accepting the sexual images she sees, she will learn to question them. 

Older children want to be respected and allowed come to their own conclusions, so discuss the ads with them, and ask them what they think. Challenge them to consider how the picture makes them feel and whether it's a positive way to show women.  One of the most powerful lessons we can teach our children is how to think—what better opportunity than when they see something you’d like them to question?
>>Learn more about media and sex

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician

How can I talk to my husband about media violence?

Q: I have 8- and 10-year-old daughters and a 6-year-old step-son. My new husband thinks that PG-13 movies and violent video games are fine for all of our children, even his 6-year-old. But I never let my daughters use violent media because as a school counselor, I am well aware of the dangers of media violence for children. How can I educate my husband on this issue?
Savvy Stepmom in Tulsa, OK

A: Dear Savvy Stepmom,

You and your husband are not alone; many sets of parents disagree with each other about media violence. From what I see in my clinical practice, opinions usually fall along gender lines: Moms tend to think that it is a big deal, and dads tend to think that it isn’t. Why is this long-standing debate not yet resolved? Because it focuses on beliefs--like "I really don’t like all that shooting" and "I played video games as a kid and I think I turned out okay"--instead of on how media actually affect kids.

The trick here, then, is to focus the conversation on facts. Explain to your husband that scientific research shows that kids who use violent media are more likely to:

• Become fearful or anxious about the violent situations they see and hear about
• Become less sensitive to the suffering of others
• Become more aggressive in both thought and behavior

The child who is upset by violent media is learning that the world is a dangerous, scary place; the child who is not upset by it is learning that violence is no big deal. Parents aren’t likely to want either of these outcomes for their children.

To continue the conversation, turn to focusing on the positive. Since it's a fact that kids learn from media, think about what you DO want them to learn. What kinds of behaviors do you want them to see and hear about? Then brainstorm with your husband for examples of movies, TV shows, and music that provide positive examples they can learn from. Perhaps if you can focus more on what kinds of media you would like to have in your house, you can find some common ground.

If the conversation with your husband does not resolve the issue and the kids continue to use violent media, discuss as a family what they are seeing and hearing. This will give your kids an opportunity to discuss images that might have scared or confused them, give you an opportunity to reinforce what you DO want your kids to learn, and help both you and your husband understand what your kids are actually learning.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician

How can I address sexism in the media with my kids?

Q: I see a lot of TV shows where women are not treated respectfully. How would you recommend talking to kids about sexism in the media? It’s rather like having a drunken bully over for dinner every night. How do you explain to your kids why you keep letting this kind of person into their home?
Worried about Women in San Francisco, CA

A: Dear Worried about Women,

The drunken bully example is a really good one, and it applies to all kinds of behavior, including sexism.  Sitting down to watch TV does mean that you are inviting people into your home, as well as the behaviors and ideas they act out.  What I like best about your description is that you yourself wonder why you keep inviting these people over if you don't like how they talk and behave.  If you wouldn't invite over a person who behaved in ways you dislike, then do the same for the celebrities that invade your living room -- make sure they treat people in ways that you admire.  I challenge you to actively invite the people and ideas and ways of life that you want your children to model, because they will learn to copy whatever they see.

It is a good idea to speak to kids directly about sexism and other disrespect they see and hear in media.  If they see behavior that is disrespectful, and no one is there to help them question whether that behavior is good, then they come to believe that is an acceptable way to treat people.  If you have younger children and you see behavior that makes you cringe, question it out loud in front of your kids and ask what they think about what they see, whether it's a nice way to treat people and what would have been a better thing to say or do in that situation.  Or simply turn off the TV and tell them why you are doing so.

With older kids and teens, you can approach this conversation in the way that I address it with kids who sit down in my exam room wearing their iPods—I always ask to listen to their music. When I hear something that’s sexist (or violent, or racist), I ask them, “What do you think of this?” Usually they say something like, “It doesn’t bother me. I just listen to the beat.” But when I ask them how they’d feel if their little sisters heard that song or were called by the names in it, their faces fall in horror.

Remind your teens that when they use media that contain such messages, they are making a statement that those messages are acceptable. Encourage them to think about what those choices say about them--and think about the same issues for yourself. Challenge the bully you keep seeing and hearing, and kick him out!

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician