Ask the Mediatrician

How can parents take a step back from technology when we need to use it for work?

Q: I recently got together with other parents to talk about our experiences, philosophies, and rules surrounding what seems to be non-stop virtual interaction for our kids. We came up with a lot of great ideas, one of which was for us parents to model a healthy relationship with technology. This is going to be really hard for my husband and me, who are self-employed and use online social media like Twitter and blogging for work. Do you have any practical tips for how to step back from technology in this situation?
-Media Mom, New York, NY

A: Dear Media Mom,

As you imply in your question, and as the old saying goes, what you do speaks far more loudly than what you say. And as we know from research, this applies to media too: the media use habits children see modeled by their parents and siblings make a difference in how they use media. 

It can certainly be challenging to model the behaviors you want while still using media for work—especially when you work from home! There’s always more to do, and it can be difficult to separate work time from home time. But you want to bring the same focus and discipline to the job of parenting that you use in your other job. Therefore, an important first step is to examine your own media use.

Ask yourself honestly how efficient your media use is. It’s likely that you could make it more focused and efficient in the same ways you’ll recommend to your kids, such as by using a media budget. For example, if you’re using Twitter and blogging software for work, and you work from 9:00 to 5:00, close your computer at 5:00, and focus on being home. If you need to use these technologies outside of typical work hours, that’s fine—just make a budget and stick to it. By stopping when your time is up, you leave more time for family meals, daily exercise, and connection with your kids, and you show your kids that even you set limits on yourself.

Another idea is to talk to other parents about how they carve out non-media time; perhaps you could even have a "Part 2" of the group you met with to have the initial discussion? It would be neat to check in again, maybe even regularly, to discuss new ideas since managing media use is an ongoing challenge for everyone these days.  We asked our Facebook Fans how they take a step back from technology, and here were some of their replies:

• "We have a 'cell phone drop box' in the entrance to our house. It helps keep our family connected to each other while we're home."  
• "I leave my cell phone in the car any time I know I'll be interacting with kids."
• "We have 2 hours between coming home from work and our toddler going to bed for the night, so we aim for no computer or phone use during those 2 hours."
• "Turning off the phone during dinner is a way to disconnect from technology and connect with family."

We encourage you to join us on Facebook so that you can continue to hear about great ideas from other parents!

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Are kids benefiting from all these electronics?

Q: I keep hearing how younger and younger children are being exposed to electronics -- that there are computers in preschool classrooms, that kids are using smart phones to learn the alphabet, and that a children's version of the iPad is in the works at Fisher Price.  This exposure to electronics at such an early age certainly has an effect on children’s social and family life, the way they play, and their academics. My question is whether these effects are positive or negative -- is the next generation benefiting from these electronics?
Interested in the iGeneration, in Boston, MA

A: Dear Interested,

This is an important question, and unfortunately, we only have limited data to help us answer it. We do know that computers and other interactive media have immense teaching potential. They respond to the user’s actions (at least in a basic kind of way,) so for skills and drills learning (for example, memorizing the alphabet, learning numbers, practicing arithmetic), they can be a great supplement to what a teacher or parent can offer for instruction.

Electronics are not, however, good at teaching children how to think or that they should ask questions, or use creativity—all of which are critical parts of the learning process. These skills are what help young kids learn to love learning itself, which is one of the most important academic skills to gain. For that, in-person interaction is essential. A recent study, for example, helped demonstrate the difference between being read to in-person versus being read to through a screen: When the reader was physically present, there was greater activation of the child’s frontal lobe (the part of the brain associated with reasoning, emotions, and problem solving) than when the reader was on a screen.

In addition to these limitations, there is real concern that increased screen time contributes to kids being less connected to their family, friends, and others. A recent study from New Zealand showed that both today and 20 years ago, increased screen time was associated consistently with poorer attachment to parents and peers. Other issues connected with more screen time include social isolation, obesity, and increased risk of exposure to violent and sexual content. 

If electronic media are used in thoughtful, focused, and limited ways, however, they can be a boon to your kids. You can help ensure that this happens by paying attention to what kinds of electronic media they are using and how much time they spend using them. Help them learn to watch a specific show, play a certain game, or talk to a certain person, then to shut them off rather than surfing without direction.  And, as always, a good rule of thumb is to make sure that media are used after all the important tasks of life--like sleeping enough, eating good meals, getting exercise, and spending time with family--are complete.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How long should my 3-year-old play with iPhone apps?

Q: My son is 3 years old, and he loves media devices, such as computers and telephones (like the iPhone). My husband bought him a program from PBS Kids, and now he has access to all games and some shows as well. He can spend hours playing with it. Sometimes I don’t really know how to handle the situation. How long he should spend with this program?
Media Maven's Mom, in Abbington, MA

A: Dear Media Maven's Mom,

There are pros and cons of kids playing with iPhone apps so there's a lot to consider in that regard.  But research shows that the right television programming can be a positive addition to your 3-year-old's life, and you've got a great question about how to make sure that his media use stays positive. 

First, consider the program’s content. PBS Kids aims to create educational content with positive role models, and according to their website they work with educators, researchers, and subject-matter experts to ensure their shows are developmentally appropriate for kids.  While iPhone apps in general have not been on the market long enough for their effects on kids to be researched, at least the content your son is watching and playing with comes from a reputable organization. 

Another thing to note is that your son's attention span at this age is quite limited. Just as a preschooler cannot be depended upon to determine when to go to bed or whether he’s eaten enough veggies, the fact that he can play or watch for hours does not mean that doing so is ideal for him. I would recommend including these media for no more than 20 or 30 minutes, up to twice a day.

You might also want to think about setting time limits on all shows and games—even those designed to be optimal for his developmental stage. Just like you aim to get him in the habit of brushing his teeth before bed, if you can get him to have healthy media habits now, you'll set him up for success as he gets older.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can kids respond to email chain letters?

Dear Dr. Rich,
I wanted to let you know about a recent incident in my community since other parents probably face similar situations. My 11-year-old daughter received, and sent on to her friends, one of those email chain letters. It said “You have 900 seconds to send this to 24 people or I will visit you tonite and kill you!” As adults, we realize this is silly, but it genuinely scared my daughter, and she did as it instructed (although she did title it “Do Not Read This Email”). When I found out, we talked about the email together, and she wrote an apology note to one of her cousins, knowing she scared her when she sent it on. I also discussed the situation with another mom, and we decided to write an email to the other parents we knew whose daughters received the chain letter. I hope that posting this on Ask the Mediatrician will help other parents.
Sincerely,
Choosing Not to Chain in Chicago, IL

Dear Choosing,
Bravo on a parenting job well done! I am inspired to hear that you responded immediately not only to your daughter but to your community as well. These emails can be genuinely frightening to a young person. At age 11, kids are still on the cusp of being able to do the kind of thinking that allows them to view such emails critically and recognize them as cruel hoaxes. They are also trying to become independent from their parents, which complicates matters because it makes them unlikely to mention this kind of communication. While most e-mail forwards between girls of this age tend to be cute animal pictures or virtual hugs, a scary chain mail can shake the foundations of their warm relationships because they feel that they have no choice but to send it on to their friends or risk dying in a horrible way.
   
I am posting the text of the email you sent to other parents in your community so that our readers can benefit from seeing the thoughtful, educated, and empowered response that you and another mom created to inform your community of a potentially harmful situation:

We are sorry to say that our daughters forwarded a scary email to your daughter. We are sooo sorry. (Our daughters will make apologies on their own, when they're finished mopping floors and alphabetizing the spice rack). E-socializing is difficult. We all taught our kids years ago to walk away or say stop to protect themselves . . . it's not easy for them to figure how to transfer this lesson to online behavior. I'm thinking that it will help our girls if we teach them to send creepy messages (or lies about real people) right back to the person they came from, asking them "not to send this kind of email in the future" [all curses are then void, right? ;)]. They can ask, “How will this make him/her feel?” “How would it make me feel?” “Would I say this to the person's face?” And the question for all things electronic: “Would I want this on a billboard forever?” There is a time to hit delete and say no. A North Shore girl is currently in the hospital because she took too many pills--overwhelmed by a cruel email issue. Kids have been mean forever, but it is more difficult to bounce back when a child knows that cruel information went electronically to their entire world.

It is to your great credit that you were able to take a stand and stop this harmful communication. You are teaching your daughters to respect themselves and their friends enough to take charge of their online lives. Thank you for sharing your story!

>> Do you have a story about how your family or community uses media? Email me at cmch@childrens.harvard.edu
>> Want to read more stories from parents? Check out our Parent Perspectives
>> Want to receive more info on parenting in the Media Age? Join the CMCH Parent Network

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Should I take my kids to see Alice in Wonderland?

Q: The previews for the new Disney movie Alice in Wonderland seem a little scary (particularly the music and goth costuming/make-up). However, the movie is rated PG. Is it too scary for children ages 5-10? What age do you think is old enough to see this film? Any other comments for parents considering taking their kids to see this film?
-What about Alice? from JustAsk.com

A: Dear What about Alice,

The whimsy and fantasy of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, as well as its PG-rating and earlier animated version, seem to imply that the movie is geared toward children. And it may indeed be a wonderful movie experience for some. The idea of Alice returning to Wonderland as a teenager—who doesn’t remember being there the first time and, for much of the movie, believes it to be a dream—can bring a new and engaging twist to a familiar story.

But some of what might make the movie fun for older children might make it quite unnerving for younger ones. The movie plays a great deal with the border between fantasy and reality, between dreams and waking life, between “madness” and “sanity.” And since research has shown us that young children have trouble telling fantasy from reality, that kind of hazy boundary can be particularly disorienting.

One of the main concerns for young children is that the movie may scare them in ways that are too intense for their developmental stage. In addition to the hazy reality/fantasy border, there are also some images that may be frightening, like the physical distortions of some of the characters (the Red Queen has a disproportionately large head) and the darkness of others (like the electric-fire-breathing Jabberwocky that Alice must fight).

These are some of the factors that may play into your child’s reaction to this movie, but ultimately, you as her parent know best how your child will respond. If your gut tells you that something will unnerve or disturb her, you’re probably right. If you aren’t sure, I would recommend reading some parent-oriented reviews or seeing the movie yourself before you decide whether to share it with her. And remember, you can always share the book now and save the movie for when she's a bit older.

>>See the movie trailer

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can I talk to my pediatricians about the TV screens in their waiting room?

Q: My pediatrician’s office just added a flat screen TV to their waiting area so they can run health videos for parents. However, since they haven’t created those yet, they are running Disney movies instead. When my three children (ages 2, 5, and 7) saw Ratatouille playing on the TV, my 5-year-old lost sleep for two nights with bad dreams. I feel they have a responsibility to teach appropriate media habits to their patient’s families. Do you have any advice/literature that I could pass on? This group of doctors is fabulous, so I believe they would listen if I present my case.
Screen Surprise, in Foxboro, MA

A: Dear Screen Surprise,

Many wonderful pediatricians like yours are either unaware of--or do not implement--the American Academy of Pediatrics’ (AAP) policies around media exposure for children. Although the AAP recommends no more than two hours of screen media per day for all children, and no screen media at all for those under 2, one study showed that pediatricians rarely find the time to address these issues with parents during well visits. 

In a pediatric waiting room, there is a wide range of ages and experiences with media.  There may be children for whom some movies may be fine, but there will also be children for whom they don’t work, as you discovered yourself.  Disney movies likely seemed to be a good choice because they’re G-rated and geared for children, but research has shown that 100% of animated feature films made between Snow White (1937) and the end of the 20th century contained at least one act of violence.  Although it is far from the only content of concern, media violence has been consistently correlated with three effects: desensitization to the suffering of others; increased aggressive thoughts and behaviors; and fear and anxiety, especially among younger children such as yours. Nightmares are a common response to such media exposure.

As you mention, it would be ideal for your pediatrician to remove the TV screens from the waiting room in order to set a good example for patients about media and health.  However, since they've already purchased and installed them, and have plans to use the power of media to educate parents about health issues, it's possible that they will not remove them in response to your complaint. 

If that's the case, you could focus your discussion with them on making conscious decisions about what they plan to show on the screens until they have the health videos ready, noting that your child had nightmares in response to what he saw, and possibly printing out the study that we linked to about violence in G-rated movies.  Perhaps you can brainstorm with them about content that would be more appropriate for all audiences.  One of our previous Q&A's may actually help--someone wanted to know about good movies for 5 year olds and our Facebook fans replied with lots of great ideas!

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How are toys marketed differently to boys and girls?

Q: Recently I saw a pink, flowered version of the Ouija board for girls ages 8 and up.  I would love to know more about how toys get marketed differently to boys and girls.  Are there toys that are marketed to children that may not be appropriate for them?
Wondering about Ouija, Boston, MA

A: Dear Wondering,

You make a keen observation that marketing can make all kinds of things seem geared toward young children. In this culture, the color pink immediately cues consumers that a given product is probably intended for young girls. And you’re right that the product itself doesn’t have to be appropriate or optimal for young girls in order for it to attract their attention.

If you walk into a toy store, you’ll see a divided world, with aisles full of pink and purple for girls, and gray, metallic, and blue for boys. The division is just as stark on TV. Commercials geared toward boys are high paced with fast cuts, lots of noise, and lots of action. Advertisements geared toward girls are sparkly and pastel, and they use camera techniques that are soft and dreamy. But these marketing strategies don’t simply attract buyers; they send messages to children about what it means to be a boy and what it means to be a girl.

In the case of this Oujia board, the marketing was designed to appeal to a specific age and gender.  Marketing works the same way with foods—notice that in any grocery store right now, you’ll find chocolate wrapped in pink, blue, and yellow for Easter and spring.  But in October, the same chocolate is wrapped in black and orange to make it seem appealing for Halloween.  You probably already have an idea of whether that chocolate is something you want your child to have, regardless of the color it’s wrapped in.  You likely decide whether to buy the chocolate based on the ideas you have about nutrition, rather than what the packaging looks like. 

I recommend that you think of toys, TV shows, and video games in the same way you would consider the chocolate—by looking past the marketing and thinking about whether the contents are something you want your child to own or experience. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician ®