Ask the Mediatrician

Is it OK to watch the "It Gets Better" videos with kids?

Q: A friend of mine told me she watched Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns’ “It Gets Better” video with her kids, ages 14, 11 and 8. (If you’ve not seen it, the video includes photos of gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens who recently committed suicide after being victims of bullying. Then the Councilman recounts his own bullying and near-suicide before ending with a positive message of hope for GLBT youth.)

I have no doubt that a video like this is a powerful thing to watch as a family, but I was concerned that the discussion of the suicides of very young children might be inappropriate for my own child and might be better handled in a discussion. So that is what I chose to do with my son; I didn't think he needed to see the smiling faces of myriad boys who had hanged themselves or shot themselves. What do you think about this media being used as a teaching tool in this situation?
-Too Sad to View, Pawtucket, RI

A: The It Gets Better series is very good and should be commended for what it is: A well-intentioned initiative by adults about an important matter that needs to be addressed in a very public forum. The issue here, though, is that the brain development of child viewers is not yet as complete as that of the grown-ups producing these videos or that of adolescents and young adults who have been inspired to create their own video responses. Similarly, the different levels of brain development and life experience among your friend’s children result in different abilities to comprehend and understand this video: The 14 year old is likely able to understand the graphic message, as might the 11 year old, but neither has the library of human experience to feel its full importance. The 8 year old is too young to make sense of its powerful images and language and will likely be only scared by them.

You don’t mention your own child’s age, but I agree with your strategy of having a discussion, rather than letting him watch the video. This lets your child formulate the meaning of this issue in his own mind, rather than having the powerful visceral experience of watching the video shape and inform his thinking. You have the opportunity to read his responses to the information he is receiving and to offer him only what he can handle, in ways that are helpful to him. Perhaps he understands bullying, but not sexual identity, so you can guide the discussion in directions that help him learn. Without your monitoring and responding to his reactions, simply watching the video may just confuse or even amuse your child, because he may focus on something to which he can relate, such as a grown man crying in a formal public setting.

For youth who are struggling with understanding and defining their sexuality, there are great resources and understanding available to them through The Trevor Project. For many families, however, bullying—not sexual identity—are at the heart of the discussion. Children can be stigmatized by for many reasons and kids of any age can understand and learn to recognize shunning, harassing, or hurtful behavior. Use your discussions as an opportunity to discuss how to be a good citizen, to understand that if anyone is a victim, then everyone in your child’s school and community are victims. Empower your child to be someone who stands up for those being hurt: An upstander, rather than a bystander. Reinforce your child’s natural human empathy not just for victims, but also for the bullies, because they are, in most cases, troubled and hurt themselves. (See related Q&A all about bullying on- and offline.)

Finally, if you have had this conversation with your child and believe he can benefit from the It Gets Better video that you have now placed in a powerful context, then watch it together. Your sharing and discussing this video and how it makes him think and feel is key: By co-viewing and mediating this sensitive material with your child, you’re demonstrating your commitment to his healthy and happy development in a sometimes scary and cruel world. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can I address racial jokes on TV?

Q: My kids and I have recently discovered reruns of the TV show Everybody Hates Chris. The program depicts the racism Chris Rock felt as he was growing up in the early 80s. It is funny, but I wonder whether the blatant stereotyping and prejudices portrayed are good things for my kids, ages 13 and 11, to watch. We do discuss the show's content, but I am not certain they can separate this type of humor from real life. Unfortunately, our community is not diverse and I don't want them growing up with preconceived notions.
-Reconsidering Racism in Portland, ME

A: The fact that you’re concerned with how your children interpret this show is a good indicator of how in tune you are with their understanding of it and how it affects them, so kudos to you!  As you demonstrate you already know, humor around racism, sexism, discrimination or hate in any form tends to be very mature, and usually dark and painful. Richard Pryor, for example, built his career by shining a bright light on our prejudices; Chris Rock is doing something similar here.

While 13 and 11 year olds are very smart in many ways, their brains are still works in progress and cannot yet understand the nuances of a show like Everybody Hates Chris. Irony is a complex and sophisticated form of humor that often requires an adult brain to fully appreciate. (See related Q&A about handling sarcastic TV shows.)  Additionally, most adults have seen the injustice and cruelty of racism, so we laugh as a means of coping and reclaiming our humanity in the face of suffering. Children, on the other hand, may not have experienced (and therefore cannot appreciate) the realities of racism (particularly in a community with little diversity). Kids may take the jokes at face value and think, “It’s funny to demean someone based on their race (or sexuality, etc.).” Or, they laugh because you are laughing, without knowing what you are laughing about.

Unfortunately, research indicates that:

• While the ratios are improving, kids’ TV is still dominated by white actors—and minority actors that do appear are often portrayed in stereotypical ways.
• The racial identities of minority youth are negatively affected by TV portrayals of African Americans and Latinos. This can have profoundly lasting effects on self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Television characters regularly show racial bias, even when they don’t make ethnic comments or slurs.
• Even prejudice-prevention TV programs don’t change kids’ attitudes about race—that requires thorough discussion with parents or others in response to the program.

One way to approach this might be to provide a counterpoint by sharing media that reveal the other side of the story, such as the excellent documentary series Eyes on the Prize.  Discuss some of the history of racism at a level appropriate for your kids, not to upset them, but to provide the reality check necessary to help them understand the complexity of humor that this subject matter requires.

Ultimately, what you do is more important than what you say to your children. Model for them an approach to media, and to life, that reflects the perspectives, attitudes and beliefs that you want them to bring to the heterogeneous world, full of people with different backgrounds, perspectives, and needs, in which they will need to live and thrive in the future.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Is my daughter's Halloween costume too sexy?

Q: My pre-teen daughter is dying to go as a sexy vampire for Halloween (she's a big Twilight fan) but I just don't feel comfortable with her running around the neighborhood in a short skirt, tight top, and lots of makeup, costume or not. What can I say to her without making this such a big deal?
-Bella’s Nemesis in Belchertown, MA

A: Dear Nemesis,

Halloween is a day to have fun being someone different—but that certainly has consequences, so it should also come with limits. There’s a reason that every October, little boys want to be Superman or star troopers: It shows their aspirations for being mature and powerful. When teens (or adults for that matter) choose costumes that emphasize their sexuality, they are publicizing their desire to be noticed for their bodies. 

So it doesn’t necessarily matter how she dresses or who she presents herself as during the rest of the year: Going out in this costume tells the world something about her.

It’s likely you’ll get “But it’s just a book, Mom. She’s just a character.” You can respond by talking with her seriously: What is it about this costume that she likes? Does she realize how people will respond to her in it, and if so, is that what she’s looking for?  Be frank: Is she ready to be sexually objectified? Will she be uncomfortable in this costume in front of her peers, older teens, or even people her dad’s age?

Frame your conversation around the ideas of self-awareness and self-respect, and focus on how your daughter wants to be viewed as a whole person. Who knows, maybe there are creative ways you can modify the costume that would allow her to express her love for Twilight but in a less objectifying way. Hopefully, she’ll see the long-term effects of this decision in the larger scheme of choices she needs to make about how she is seen by others—and see you as someone helping her become the person she wants to be.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can I keep my teen from texting while driving?

Q: What can be done to stop teens from texting while driving? Laws forbidding this practice seem not to be working.
No Drive-Dialing in Los Altos, CA

A. Dear No Drive-Dialing,

You’re absolutely right: We need to put an end to “driving while intexticated.”  Research shows that using a phone while behind the wheel increases a driver’s risk of getting into an accident by four times (that’s about the same risk as driving drunk) and that drivers who text can be up to 23 times more likely to crash.

These are terrifying odds, and as you said, we as parents can’t and shouldn’t leave this issue up to the law to handle. In Massachusetts, for example, recent legislation made texting by drivers of any age illegal, and teens are now prohibited from using cell phones in the car (see list of all state laws). But officers are already having trouble enforcing it.  The solution to the texting while driving problem starts with all of us taking personal responsibility and encouraging our children to do the same.  Here are some tips:

Set cell phone expectations—and consequences—up front. Likely, you’re both buying your teen’s cell phone and paying for her monthly contract, so you certainly get to help set the rules on using it for calls and texts. Also, you know by now that you’ll have much less leverage to change the rules once your teen actually has the phone. Before you even agree to look at models with her, discuss how your child intends to use it:

• Will she be allowed to text at all? Discuss when and where that is appropriate.
• What are the phone rules while driving? (I recommend parents require cell phones to stay in the trunk while the car is in motion.)
• What are the after-hours phone rules? Many teens sleep with their phones under their pillows which leads to interrupted shut-eye when the phone rings or vibrates. A tired driver is an unsafe driver: Consider having your child turn in the phone to you for charging in your bedroom at the end of the night.
• Will she contribute payments ever? Under what circumstances?
• What are the consequences for breaking a rule? Are there exceptions you two agree on?

Address slip-ups fairly. If the phone rules are made with your teen’s input, he’s more likely to come clean about breaking them. When your child does admit his mistake, don’t overreact or incriminate him: Simply follow through with the consequences you agreed upon. You want to stress that while you understand that accidents happen, they still have repercussions.

Model positive cell phone behavior. It goes without saying, but show your child you value the contract you’ve made about cell phone rules by sticking to them yourself.

For more information about this issue, see this video from The Today Show specifically about teens and texting:

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Are audiobooks a good use of kids' time?

Q: My 5- and 2.5-year-old kids love listening to stories on CD, like Between The Lions. They can sit for quite a long time on the couch, quiet and attentive, while they listen. Do you think this a good use of time compared to watching TV?  What about compared to just daydreaming?
-An Ear for Entertainment in Atlanta, GA

A: Dear Ear for Entertainment,

Audiobooks are valuable media for your children because they don’t pre-digest imagery for them. That means that as your kids listen to the stories, they’re given the exquisite experience of actively imagining the worlds they’re hearing about, rather than having the characters and scenery presented to them like in a book or TV show. Their brains can paint the characters and actions in ways that resonate most with them. (See related Q&A about the difference between the book and movie versions of “Where the Wild Things Are”.)

Of course, some TV shows can affect kids positively, too—in fact, one study on Between the Lions found that kids who watched the show improved their letter recognition and reading skills. In either case, listening to or watching these stories is beneficial, but to enhance the experience with your family, you can add one more component: yourself!  Sit with your kids as they listen, and hold a physical copy of the book for them, turning the pages as they’re narrated—this is an especially smart move for chapter books. Your children will be able to make the connection between the written and spoken words, and you’re facilitating that interaction: The combination is a powerful, memorable one for them, which can fuel their lifelong interest in books.

Your question prompted me to think about how I would arrange kids’ media activites, in order from most to least engaging:

• Telling them a story, without any book at all. It can be a tale you’ve memorized or one you make up.  Either  way, your expressions and voice are as captivating as the story itself.
• Reading a book to your kids. You can foster positive connections for them between human contact, reading, and the imaginary world.
• Listening with them to a book on tape, like I described above.
• Letting kids play with interactive websites or watch interactive and educational TV shows. The more the media demands of a child (“Do you see a tool that can help us?”), the better.
• Turning on entertainment TV.  TV without specific educational aims still teaches, but perhaps not the lessons you hope your children will learn. When a child sees characters solve a problem with violence, they take that information in.
  

Are audiobooks as valuable as daydreaming? No, but few media are. Daydreams are driven by whatever captures our attention, whereas stories have a defined structure. Daydreams help us use our cortex and our imaginations to make sense of our limbic system (where our emotions live) and this, in turn actually makes us feel less alone as humans.

So my advice: Bring back boredom and welcome daydreaming! Make it a habit of forgoing a regular media session to take a walk with your kids in the woods. Have them observe a bird going about its daily chores; sit on the dirt and look for caterpillars; lay in the grass and watch the clouds or the stars. Talk about what you see, or just be together quietly: Both ways, you’re doing wonders for your children’s brains—and your own—by modeling the importance of unplugged downtime.  

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My son's school assignment is to watch the news, but I don't usually let him; what do I do?

Q: For my 12 year old son’s history homework last night, the assignment from his textbook was to think about the news he watches (it said watches, not reads) and write an essay relating a news story to something in his history book. I don't let him watch the news because I think it is often more scary than the movies or video games he sees. For example, the lead story today on Yahoo was that our planet was going to stop sustaining life. What would you recommend we do?
-No News is Good News, in Tennessee

A: Dear No News,

There are a few different issues to address here: whether and how TV news is problematic for kids, why a history book might recommend that kind of assignment, why a teacher might assign it, and what you as a parent can do about it. Let’s take them one at a time:

You are right to be concerned about your kids’ exposure to TV news. Because a more tabloid approach tends to bring higher ratings, TV news stations often cover the most outrageous stories they can find. This helps them hold onto their viewers. But this approach also increases our perception of the presence of violence in the world and may make it feel much closer to home than it is (e.g., consider the Elizabeth Smart story, which frightened people far outside of the community in which that kidnapping occurred). Research shows that the impact of exposure to such frightening media can affect kids for a long time.

So why might a history book recommend that kids compare history to TV news? For the same reason that a teacher might assign such a task: to increase the student’s interest, understanding, and retention by connecting what they’re learning in school to what they’re exposed to in their daily lives. What you’re pointing out is that this assignment assumes that such programming is appropriate for kids—and given how much TV news has changed and how long ago new textbooks may have been purchased, that assumption might have been okay at the time of publication. It probably isn’t anymore.

If the goal of the assignment is to connect what kids are learning to what they see in their daily lives, there are certainly other ways to do it. I might recommend that your son write the essay comparing what he read in his textbook to a news story he encountered from a different source, like a newspaper or website, and then explain to his teacher why he made that shift. His teacher might be interested to hear the reasons he changed the assignment, and if your son makes a strong enough case that students should be able to compare what they’ve read to a story in other kinds of media—not just the TV news—his teacher might even adopt it in general.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®