Ask the Mediatrician

Should I use the movie "Bully" to talk about bullying with my 10 year old?

Q: My 10-year-old son will be starting middle school in the fall. So far, he has had a pretty sheltered, drama-free experience at a great elementary school. I want him to be aware that bullying goes on and that he needs to tell someone if anything like that ever happens to him. I have thought about taking him to see the movie “Bully,” but am afraid that it will make him fear going to middle school. What do you think?
-Bothered about bullying, in Minneapolis, MN

A: Dear Bully Bothered,

Your concerns echo those of many parents who have children transitioning from one school to another. You are doing the right thing by trying to start a conversation about bullying with your son. However, your instincts on using “Bully” to introduce the subject are right on track. It may be too intense, since it includes a lot of physical and emotional child-on-child violence, as well as the suicides of bullying victims. Try opening the topic in another way.

One way approach could be to take your son for a drive and start the conversation in the car—that way, you won’t have to face each other as you talk, and his attention will be focused on the conversation (provided that he doesn’t have a book, DVD player, radio, or cell phone). Chances are your son isn’t so sheltered that he hasn’t heard about bullying, and he probably has some concerns of his own. Begin the conversation by allowing him to vocalize his thoughts:

1. Start with open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about starting middle school? What are you excited about? Worried about?”
2. It may help him talk if you depersonalize the topic, ask: “What worries do your friends have about school?”
3. If bullying hasn’t come up yet, you can present the issue from your own perspective, saying, “One thing I’m worried about is bullying, which we know can be an issue in some schools. Have you heard about that happening?" And "Please talk to me if you see anything that makes you uncomfortable. Together we can figure out a way to deal with it, and you’ll be helping to keep your school safe.”

When children and their schools see bullying as a community issue, they solve the problem by focusing on the needs of the bullies, victims, and the school community to make a positive change. This approach helps heal the community as a whole and is more effective than using a system of punishment, which often doesn’t address the core of the problem. Presenting the issue this way can help give your son a sense of shared responsibility for his school environment and will not only make him aware of bullying, but also empower him and his schoolmates against it.

For more information and resources check out:

• http://www.stopbullying.gov/
• http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying/what-parents-can-do

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Ratings Reality: Who rates our media and what that means for children

CMCH staff member Kristelle Lavallee contributed the following post to Thriving, Boston Children's Hospital's pediatric health blog.

Are you looking to take the family to a movie but aren’t sure whether your child should see The Hunger Games (PG-13) or Bully (unrated)? If you base the decision on the Motion Picture Association of American (MPAA) ratings, the answer seems pretty cut and dry—“maybe” to Hunger Games, and “no” to Bully. But are the movie ratings the best guide to making healthy media choices for your children?

Based on the best-selling novel, The Hunger Games is a fantasy story where teenagers are pitted against each other in a battle to the death broadcast on live TV. In contrast, Bully is a “slice of life” documentary about peer-on-peer bullying in American schools.

Both movies center on children and teenagers, but the fictional Hunger Games, portraying “intense violent thematic material and disturbing images” (MPAA’s description) was given a PG-13 rating, while the documentary Bully with “some language” (MPAA again) was rated R. The producers of Bully knew that accepting an R rating would greatly limit the film’s impact as an educational tool for young viewers, so they chose to release it unrated. But when a film is released without an MPAA rating, it comes at a price: Fewer theaters are willing to show it, and those that do will treat it the same way they treat films unrated for extreme violence or sex. Continue reading here.

My teens want to start a blog together--what are the pros and cons?

Q: We have a 16-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son who are at the same school. They have voluntarily given up Facebook because of the time drain it can be, and both have fairly heavy academic loads. They are interested in starting a blog together. What are the pros and cons?
-Benefits of Blogging in Roseville, CA

A: Dear Benefits,

What a great way for adolescent siblings to connect and use their creativity together! This kind of self-expression that can be incredibly powerful—even therapeutic—for teens pursuing the developmental tasks of finding themselves and connecting with their peers. But it can also be as much of a time sink as Facebook. To help them focus their efforts and make the time they spend on this project rewarding and positive, ask your teens these questions:

“What is the mission of your blog?” Do they want their blog to focus on sports, or music, or issues in their school, or what it’s like to be a teenager? Maybe they want to offer their different age, grade level, and gender perspectives on issues that interest them both. Having a vision and mission will help them focus their blog, limit the time they spend updating it, and create a unique niche in the blogosphere that will draw readers.

“Who is your audience?” Knowing who they’d like to have read and respond to their blog will help them focus their posts. They should choose what they write with an understanding that the blog will be accessible and interesting to many people—like teachers, coaches, grandparents, friends, and crushes—and not just to their intended audience.

“How will you handle comments?” Blog comments can lead to productive, exciting conversation, but they can also be a breeding ground for gossip and attacks. If your teens want to allow comments on their blog, encourage them make themselves moderators of the comments, so that no comment actually posts without their approval. That can help them create a space for thoughtful, responsible, useful communication—and prevent the bullying behaviors that could occur there.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Do cell phones affect kids' sleep?

Q: Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but my middle-schooler honestly seems like a zombie during the day since we agreed to let her have a cell phone. She's grumpy and sleepy, though she doesn't seem to be having trouble with friends or school. I have noticed that she’s constantly checking the phone—even bringing it to the dinner table—but when I mention it, she snaps at me. What's going on here?
Phone-miffed Mom in Glen Arm, MD

A: Dear Mom,

It’s likely that what your daughter is doing with her cell phone is affecting her behavior, not the phone itself. Like most tweens and teens, your daughter probably uses her phone primarly as a platform for texting--thus, she may sleep with it on a nightstand or even under her pillow, just in case she receives middle-of-the-night messages. When a text does arrive, her sleep is interrupted and she never makes it to stage 4 REM sleep. This stage is when the dreamwork necessary for resting and repairing brain circuits and moving experiences from short- to long-term memory takes place. Not a good stage to skip since adolescence is the period of greatest physical and intellectual development since infancy!

So it’s little surprise that recent studies suggest that kids who use electronic media before bed—or after they’ve supposedly hit the hay—have a greater incidence of sleep disorders that lead to the sort of prickly behavior you’re describing, in addition to learning problems, mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Lots of parents believe that their teens’ cell phone usage is none of their business, but I would argue that it is as much your business—and just as important—as ensuring that they buckle their seatbelts.  Parents are in charge of setting boundaries to keep kids healthy, and you can do so here.  Discuss with her some reasonable rules about when she needs to turn her phone over to you at night before bed. A previous Q&A addresses how parents can set and enforce cell phone limits; our CMCH website offers more tips on curtailing use.

A final consideration, given your daughter’s dinnertime reaction: Could her grumpiness be on account of what she’s seeing when she receives a text? Kids who are cyberbullied can become hypervigilant about the messages on their phones. They’re often fearful, anxious, or sad because of how they’re being harassed but are embarrassed and therefore reluctant to share what’s happening. Before you delicately broach this topic with your child, take a look at some of these cyberbullying resources that can help steer your conversation.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Is it OK to watch the "It Gets Better" videos with kids?

Q: A friend of mine told me she watched Fort Worth City Councilman Joel Burns’ “It Gets Better” video with her kids, ages 14, 11 and 8. (If you’ve not seen it, the video includes photos of gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens who recently committed suicide after being victims of bullying. Then the Councilman recounts his own bullying and near-suicide before ending with a positive message of hope for GLBT youth.)

I have no doubt that a video like this is a powerful thing to watch as a family, but I was concerned that the discussion of the suicides of very young children might be inappropriate for my own child and might be better handled in a discussion. So that is what I chose to do with my son; I didn't think he needed to see the smiling faces of myriad boys who had hanged themselves or shot themselves. What do you think about this media being used as a teaching tool in this situation?
-Too Sad to View, Pawtucket, RI

A: The It Gets Better series is very good and should be commended for what it is: A well-intentioned initiative by adults about an important matter that needs to be addressed in a very public forum. The issue here, though, is that the brain development of child viewers is not yet as complete as that of the grown-ups producing these videos or that of adolescents and young adults who have been inspired to create their own video responses. Similarly, the different levels of brain development and life experience among your friend’s children result in different abilities to comprehend and understand this video: The 14 year old is likely able to understand the graphic message, as might the 11 year old, but neither has the library of human experience to feel its full importance. The 8 year old is too young to make sense of its powerful images and language and will likely be only scared by them.

You don’t mention your own child’s age, but I agree with your strategy of having a discussion, rather than letting him watch the video. This lets your child formulate the meaning of this issue in his own mind, rather than having the powerful visceral experience of watching the video shape and inform his thinking. You have the opportunity to read his responses to the information he is receiving and to offer him only what he can handle, in ways that are helpful to him. Perhaps he understands bullying, but not sexual identity, so you can guide the discussion in directions that help him learn. Without your monitoring and responding to his reactions, simply watching the video may just confuse or even amuse your child, because he may focus on something to which he can relate, such as a grown man crying in a formal public setting.

For youth who are struggling with understanding and defining their sexuality, there are great resources and understanding available to them through The Trevor Project. For many families, however, bullying—not sexual identity—are at the heart of the discussion. Children can be stigmatized by for many reasons and kids of any age can understand and learn to recognize shunning, harassing, or hurtful behavior. Use your discussions as an opportunity to discuss how to be a good citizen, to understand that if anyone is a victim, then everyone in your child’s school and community are victims. Empower your child to be someone who stands up for those being hurt: An upstander, rather than a bystander. Reinforce your child’s natural human empathy not just for victims, but also for the bullies, because they are, in most cases, troubled and hurt themselves. (See related Q&A all about bullying on- and offline.)

Finally, if you have had this conversation with your child and believe he can benefit from the It Gets Better video that you have now placed in a powerful context, then watch it together. Your sharing and discussing this video and how it makes him think and feel is key: By co-viewing and mediating this sensitive material with your child, you’re demonstrating your commitment to his healthy and happy development in a sometimes scary and cruel world. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My daughter is being bullied on Facebook; what can I do?

Q: My daughter is 14 and has been bullied every day for over the past year. She has now been bullied by lots of girls and boys from her school on Facebook. She has gone through this for too long now, and all the school will do is suspend these kids for a week—then they come back and it will start again. Can I keep her home from school and give her some kind of home tutoring?
-Kazy, from JustAsk on Education.com

A: Dear Kazy,

You can certainly keep your child home. It is the school’s job to educate and socialize your child in a safe, healthy, nurturing environment. It seems that you have made your concerns known to the school leadership and that they have responded as schools often do—by punishing the bullies, but not creating a long-term solution.  Unfortunately, this approach doesn’t change the culture of the school, which means that these situations will continue to develop. You can support your daughter and encourage such change within the school by taking the following steps:

1. Address the immediate problem by connecting with your daughter’s natural advocates. Her doctor, teacher, guidance counselor, school nurse, and coach are all mandated reporters of child abuse or neglect, which means that they must report even suspicion that she is in danger of abuse (by the kids) or neglect (by the school). Such reports are confidential, and they do not need to name possible perpetrators or locations—those are for the social services department to investigate.

2. Enlist even unlikely-seeming allies in creating a safer, happier, healthier school environment. A culture that allows bullying to occur is a problem for the whole community to address. Therefore, reach out to--and band together with--all kinds of parents, especially parents of one or more of the alleged bullies. They don’t want their children to be in trouble any more than you want your children to be victimized, and few parents want their kids to be subject in any way to a bullying culture. Think of how powerful it would be to have parents stand together to say, “We don’t want our children to be bullies, victims, or bystanders—we don’t want bullying in the lives of our children any more!”

3. Engage your local press. Bullying is international news right now, so your regional newspapers, radio, and TV outlets will be interested in a local connection to this epidemic.

4. Use electronic media to make your concerns known to the wider public. Although it might be helpful for your daughter to at least temporarily close her Facebook account and report the cyberbullying to Facebook (which does not want their service used for that purpose), there are ways of using media to improve her situation. For example, you could create, or join, an anti-bullying parent group on Facebook. Or with the help of a trusted adult, your daughter could even create such a group for others her age. Taking leadership in this way can be wonderfully empowering, and that goes a long way toward reducing victimization.

Finally, you and your daughter could join with like-minded parents around the world who have become fans of the Center on Media and Child Health on Facebook where they get regular information and strategies for raising healthy, safe, and successful kids in the Media Age. There you can report how your efforts do, thus sharing what you’ve learned with other communities as well.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®