Ask the Mediatrician

My 10-year-old-daughter was frightened by a pornographic video, what do I do now?

Q: My 10-year-old daughter had a sleepover with 3 friends. It turns out that one of the girls brought a smartphone and pulled up some porn. My daughter is still quite traumatized by what she saw, and my husband and I are trying to figure out how to counsel her. The girls saw three explicitly pornographic videos, which she described to me in detail. What can do to support her? What implications might these images have on our young daughter’s developing views of sexuality?
-Culture Shocked in New Delhi, India

 A: Dear Culture Shocked,

It’s tricky when kids who are forming their sense of themselves as sexual beings are exposed to portrayals of sex in the media, which are often unrealistic and dehumanizing. It can certainly affect their understanding of how sex and relationships work. To address that challenge, first help your daughter make sense of what she saw. Nurture her and share her discomfort, asking empathetically about her feelings, and, most importantly, listen to her without judgment. Let her talk as long as she needs to, and ask questions when it feels right.

Then take some time to put what she saw in context. Explain that, just like her favorite movies, pornography is a manufactured fiction that exaggerates, sensationalizes, and makes superficial something that can be a very special experience of intimacy and trust. What she saw was made-up stories and the people in them are actors who were paid for what they did. Talk with her about what I call “the five C’s” of healthy sexual behavior:

• Closeness
• Commitment
• Consent
• Contraception
• Consequences

These are rarely present in media portrayals of sex but are extremely important in real life. Spend some time with her looking for positive representations of relationships and intimacy that include those 5 C’s. Direct her to resources you trust for healthful, accurate, age-appropriate information on sex and sexuality.

To help her manage future situations like this, let her know that she doesn’t have to stay in a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Encourage her to say that she doesn’t want to watch those videos, or if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, to make up a reason to leave the room. Let her know she can always call you to come pick her up, and that she can always talk to you.  

Finally, use this as an opportunity to discuss internet safety more broadly. Let your daughter know that while the internet can be a wonderful tool, you can’t take everything you find at face value—there are people who are trying to sell items or ideas, and they don’t always have your daughter’s best interests at heart. Giving your daughter the skills to navigate the internet and offering yourself as a resource when she needs help will equip her to trust her own instincts in the future if she is exposed to something she finds confusing or upsetting.  

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Should I let my 14-year-old use the ‘Snap Chat’ application?

Q: My 14-year-old daughter has been begging to get ‘Snap Chat’ on her iPod Touch. I searched for information on it and found this and I wasn’t initially impressed… http://www.hercampus.com/school/pitt/snap-chat-sexting-or-friendly-fun. I am tech savvy and know screen shots can easily be saved, but also, if she loses her device and someone else sends something, she could be held responsible. I don’t like the idea of Snap Chat and am weary of my daughter’s “everyone has it” plea. What do you think? What have you heard about it—risks etc.? 

 Suspicious of Snap Chat, Boston, MA

A: Dear Suspicious,

Snap Chat allows you to send and receive photos that are deleted within seconds (along with any digital trace of them, Snap Chat claims). You have done the right thing by looking into your daughter’s request and by researching the Snap Chat application yourself. Your concerns are certainly valid; images can be quickly and easily saved in other ways as well as distributed.

Many adolescents share devices and passwords as a way of showing how close they are, so even if she doesn’t ‘lose’ her iPod Touch, a friend or classmate could easily ‘borrow’ and send pictures from it. And remember that, unless you turn the location function off, most phones attach location and time/date data to every image, so even a silly picture of her cat on her bed can tell strangers where she is at what time.

In addition to doing your own research and trusting your instinct about any app she may want, there are a few questions you should ask your daughter before deciding whether to get it:

• What does this tool do? What is the purpose of this app/device, and what function will it serve in her life?
• How is she going to use it? Is she only going to use it for silly photo sharing with friends outside of school and other activities? Or is this an app that is used in school and can be a potential distraction for class? Also, how will she control images she receives from others?

When you ask your daughter these questions, make it clear that the ‘everybody else has one’ isn’t a good reason for getting this app or any media tool. If she really only wants to use it for making silly faces at her friends, discuss possible alternatives (making silly faces in person...) as well as the possible disadvantages (e.g., the fact that the deletion isn't foolproof and the pic could get distributed anyway, and the fact that immediate deletion could be a problem in the case of bullying--it could remove the evidence). You may also want to invoke the ‘grandmother rule’—that is, ask her if the pictures she’d be sending and receiving are images that she’d be comfortable having her grandmother see. This emphasizes the risk of unintended distribution that comes with sharing digital images.

Remember that you as her parent have the final say in whether or not she gets the app. After speaking with your daughter, come to a conclusion that will best suit her developmental needs, not necessarily her wants.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Making ‘friends’ with your children’s media—and how it can help you parent

The Mediatrician® contributed to the following post on A Platform for Good, the Family Online Safety Institute's resource page and blog.

Last winter, a father read an angry letter his 15-year-old daughter had posted on Facebook. In response, he put nine bullets into her laptop and posted the video online. Within weeks, it had garnered millions of hits and tens of thousands of comments.

Why so much attention? Certainly the shock value of his rage drew people’s attention. But he also verbalized some very common frustrations of parenting digital natives, and graphically played out a response to the powerlessness that parents often feel. Communicating feelings and finding ways to feel empowered are both important processes--but parents need ways to do so that support children’s healthy development, rather than terrifying and humiliating them.

Parents need a new way to relate to their children’s use of technology. They need information and skills that can help them see, understand, and feel welcomed to engage with the positive capabilities of these powerful tools. Here are some research-based ways to develop a friendly relationship with your children’s media use, teach your children to avoid possible pitfalls, and even use media to help you parent. Continue reading here.

What should I do when my 8-year-old won't stop asking me for a cellphone and other gadgets?

Q: My 8-year-old son sees a lot of kids around him with iPods, iPads, video games, and phones, and keeps asking us for them. Even though we have explained that he doesn’t need all of these electronics and expose him to lots of other activities, the peer pressure is getting to him. What can I say to my son when he asks for yet another gadget [Video]?!
-ifrustrated, in Pawtucket, RI

 A: Dear ifrustrated,

What you’re describing makes perfect sense. Kids at this age start to really focus on fitting in with their peers, and that’s part of why there’s such a strong pull to have what everyone else has. When it comes to technology, this developmentally normal behavior can make it extra challenging to maintain the boundaries you’ve set—especially when other kids have their own gadgets or are allowed to spend more time using them than you allow your son.

Your son is showing that he needs to be involved in making decisions about when and how he uses media. And as he grows and spends more of his day in school or at other people’s houses, he will have more responsibility for maintaining those boundaries himself. Part of your role as a parent is to help him learn to be responsible for his media use whether you are with him or not.

So when your son asks for another gadget, don’t say no right away—instead, involve him in the decision. Have a conversation with him in which you:

• Treat media as ‘tools’—not as playthings. If he’s asking for a smartphone, ask him, “What do you want to use it for?”, and then listen to and discuss his answer. For example, if he wants one because “everyone else has one”, explain that media are tools to be used for a specific purpose. Say that you understand it’s hard not to have what other kids have, especially when it seems like everyone else has it. Let him know that that is not the right reason to get that tool right now, and that you understand if he’s upset.
• Talk about how he sees it fitting into his day. Ask him what he likes to do when he’s not engaging with media [Video], and talk about where those things fit into his day. Then talk about how media can fit in without replacing those other things. By building his schedule around what he does want to include, rather than focusing on limiting media time, you can avoid making media—or this particular gadget—into the ‘forbidden fruit’.
• Address cost. If you would be fine with him having a particular item but feel that the cost is too great, use it as an opportunity to teach him about saving money for something he wants.
• Have him help set rules. If and when you do decide that it’s time to incorporate a new media tool into his life, have him be part of the process of setting rules around how and how often he uses it. Then, as he shows you that he can handle this responsibility, increase his freedom to build his confidence and sense of mastery.
• Remind him that all media—including those he owns—are subject to house rules. Be consistent and up front with the house rules you set around media [Video]. Make sure your son knows that the rules apply to all media, even those his friends bring over and those he buys himself.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My 15-year-old daughter is having pornographic conversations online--what do I do?

Q: I found out that my 15-year-old daughter has a profile on a social network site where she has pornographic conversations with boys. I am beside myself and don't quite know how to react or approach this. She has been acting differently and disrespectful recently and is extremely boy crazy! I am not sure if this is normal teenage behavior or if I need to get her into therapy. We live in a small community, but even here we know of instances where kids have been victims of Internet stalking and abduction. And last year, a classmate of my son’s was abducted, brutally raped, and murdered. I just can't understand why my daughter is getting involved with this kind of behavior. I have blocked access to our computers and wireless devices, but I don't want to totally block her phone access. I am just so upset, angry, and scared—how can I get through to her without driving her further into secrecy?
-Scared for my daughter, in Upstate New York

A: Dear Scared,

You’re right to be concerned about your daughter’s online behavior. Although it is normal for her to be ‘boy-crazy’, there is a difference between liking boys and making oneself vulnerable to exploitation and objectification. Your instinct to communicate with her about it rather than simply prohibiting all media use is a good one. 

Starting with your concerns about the behavior itself may lead to a direct conflict over issues that don’t get at the real problem (like your daughter saying that you “just don’t get the online world”). Focus on the real issue by considering what is driving her bahavior. Your daughter may be attempting to make sense of the abduction, rape, and murder that happened in your community by trying to regain control over her environment. You may want to discuss both the concerning behaviors and underlying influences on the behaviors with a pediatrician, or therapist. Your daughter may need professional assistance work through whatever is going on, especially if she won’t open up to you easily. For all of her bravado and disrespect, your daughter may actually be as frightened as you are--what you need to find are the feelings you share, and then use them to build an alliance.

Try talking with her by asking first about what other kids are saying: “How do your friends feel about it? Are they afraid this might happen to them?” Ask how her friends keep themselves physically and psychologically safe—both offline and online—and whether she does the same things or has different strategies. 

When she describes her feelings and coping strategies to you, try to listen without judging. If you can hear her views and explanations in a respectful way, no matter how outrageous they may seem, she will respond positively, open up more, and allow you to be on her side. Hopefully, your daughter will have the drive to take control of her life as a young woman--and the insight to come to her own conclusion that she needs to curb provocative and unsafe online behaviors.

If she is not developmentally ready to do this, then let her know, gently and with respect, that you do get the online world and that these behaviors are as dangerous as texting while driving or not putting on her seatbelt. Explain that, just as you would take away the car keys if she were to use poor judgment while driving, you will need to restrict her online access while she learns to care for herself and others in that environment. Explain that you know she can care for herself, and then set clear guidelines about what she needs to do to show you that she's ready to be a good--and much less restricted--digital citizen.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

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How do I limit my child's media time if he's physically fit and gets good grades?

Q: My child is in third grade, and he’s already diagnosed with ADHD. He has a high IQ, is in honors classes, and is physically active—he’s a Gold-medal wrestler. He still uses media for too many hours each day, though. Given that he’s in good shape and gets good grades, how can I tell him not to use so much media?
—Looking for Limits, in Hyannis, MA

A: Dear Looking,

Try approaching this issue a little bit differently. Instead of focusing on what isn’t working due to his media use, talk with him about how to make sure he can fit in all the important parts of his day.

For example, he needs to get enough sleep, go to school, go to wrestling practice, have at least one sit-down meal with family, play outside, and whatever else is important in your family. Media can be added to the time that’s left over. For ideas of how to make a daily calendar with your son, see this previous post.

For yourself, it might be helpful to think about what you think is affected by how much time he spends using media. Is it that he’s not getting enough sleep, or not spending time with his friends? Is he not getting enough outdoor time or enough time for free play? Thinking through these questions may help you feel more comfortable approaching this conversation with your son and give you a sense of what you would like to see included in his schedule.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

With all the gadgets we have at home, how can I monitor my kids' internet use?

Q: I have a 5 and 10 year old and am wondering how I can monitor their internet use. We have a wireless Lynksys system, a Macbook, Wii, Xbox, and a Windows computer. Any thoughts?
-Surfing, in South Jersey

A: Dear Surfing,

There are a number of software and firmware products that claim to monitor and/or restrict children’s internet use, but these products vary in quality, may not be compatible across devices, and I have yet to hear of one that stymies the children more than it stymies the adults trying to use it. Technological fixes can’t take the place of engaging with your children and educating them about internet safety.

First, remember that children of different ages (like your 5- and 10-year-old) have very different developmental capabilities. Teach them separately, giving them the internet skills and tools they need as they become capable of managing them in ways that are both healthy and effective. Ask them to tell you why they are going online, and discuss the specific goals they have while surfing the web.

Here are some technological and non-technological tips that can help as well:

• Place your computer in a centrally located area of your home (such as a living room or kitchen desk) where you can easily see them using the computer.
• Have separate passwords for the computer and internet access (wireless router). My 6- and 8-year olds don’t know either password, so they have to ask to go on the computer—and they have to ask again to go online. That means that, while using the computer, they won’t end up online by accident or on purpose without my knowing and providing supervision.
• Pay attention to your children’s use of smartphones and tablets, as these devices often have apps that seamlessly take the user to the internet. Password protect these devices the same way you do home computers and gaming systems—and enter that password yourself each time rather than giving the password to your child.
• Get comfortable with the hardware and software in your home. This way you will be able to teach your children how to safely and effectively use the internet by modeling it with your own online activity and by routinely and regularly interacting with them when they are online. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can I stop my son from texting while driving?

Q: I’ve been begging my teen son not to text while driving, but I know he does it anyway. What can I do to get him to stop?
--Texting and Driving in Beverly, MA

A: Dear Texting and Driving,

You’re right to be concerned--according to a new study from the CDC, one third of U.S. teens report texting while driving. The issue has come front and center this past week, when an 18 year old became the first person in Massachusetts to be convicted of causing a fatal car crash while texting.

But stories like this and state prohibitions on texting and driving may not get the reaction you're looking for from your son. Research shows that knowing it's dangerous doesn't necessarily deter some young adults from texting while driving. And because his brain won't be able to fully process long-term consequences until he's in his 20s, the idea that an accident like this could happen to him may just not feel real.

To get the message across, try approaching the issue in a way:

1. Make sure to touch on consequences that he can grasp. Although it's important to talk about the very real dangers of texting while driving, it might help to also discuss those that are closer to what he has experienced--like not being allowed to drive. The young man who was convicted this week had his license revoked by a judge for 15 years.
2. Work with him to establish clear rules for cell phone use. He'll want to have his cell phone with him when he's in the car, but it doesn't have to be a distraction. Ask him what would help him keep his eyes on the road--turning the phone off completely? Leaving it in the glove compartment or the trunk? If he owns the solution, he is more likely to feel ownership of it and to abide by it.
3. Together, create real consequences for not abiding by the rules. Agree ahead of time on what happens if he does text while driving. Maybe for a period of time he loses the privilege of driving the car--or of having a phone.
4. Praise what he does well, and follow through on the consequences when he slips up. Both will reinforce how important this issue is.
5. Model the behavior you'd like to see--and put your phone away while you're driving, too. He will listen far more closely to what you do than to what you say.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Do you have any last-minute tips for holiday shopping?

Q: I'm doing last-minute holiday shopping, and I still don't know what to give! How do I know what to choose for the children in my life? The choices are overwhelming!
-Holiday harried, in Medford, MA

A: Dear Holiday harried,

Never fear! Even as time grows short, you still have time to take a breath and think about what to give the children on your list this holiday season--whether you're giving media or non-media gifts. No matter what you choose, remember to keep the CHILD first:

• Creativity: Think creatively about who the child is & customize your gift.
• Homework: Do your homework to make sure the gift matches the child.
• Imagination: Stimulate their imagination with gifts they can use creatively.
• Learning: Encourage learning with gifts that peak their curiosity.
• Donate: Teach about giving by helping a child make a donation.

Take a look at our media shopping gift guide if you're considering giving media gifts. If you're looking for non-media gifts, check out our non-media gift ideas. And remember, some of the most meaningful gifts are free.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician® 

My teen daughter's addiction to technology is ruining our family life--what should I do?

Q: I am the mother of three daughters (15, 13, and 11). Although I try to set limits, technology is ruining my family life. My oldest daughter in particular is addicted to Facebook, Skype, texting, etc.—whenever I try to reduce or eliminate her access, she finds a way to be in touch with her friends. Plus, when she does interact with friends via technology, she gets anxious, which leads to increased use. What do you suggest?
-Anxious about Addiction, Metro West suburb, MA 

A: Dear Anxious,

As a teenager, your daughter is pursuing key developmental tasks through her media use—seeking experience, establishing individual identity, and connecting with peers. But the amount of time she is devoting to it, the exclusion of family, and the anxiety she is experiencing when interacting via technology—and the fact that she responds to it by increasing her use—are cause for concern and could be symptoms of addictive behavior. Although the formal diagnosis has not been established in this country, Internet Addiction Disorder is a recognized and serious problem in parts of Asia and Europe, and it is causing real problems for American adolescents and their families.

Address this issue quickly, directly, and with compassion. First, at a time when things are good and you are not in open conflict about your daughter’s media use, sit down and have a conversation with her. Ask how she feels about her media use. Listen to her. She may be unhappy or uncomfortable and may say so if she doesn’t feel criticized or attacked. Then, when the opportunity presents, tell her that she seems anxious when she communicates online, and that you are concerned for her. Ask her what she thinks might help.

It’s possible that she’s feeling lots of pressure to be constantly available. If she acknowledges that that’s the case, enlist her help in finding peace for herself and your family, but be prepared to help her with concrete guidance and boundaries. Offer to take the blame if her friends criticize her for not being available at all times—she can complain that mom takes the phone away to charge it between 9 pm to 6 am, or for even longer if she uses it too much. This way, she can save face while reducing her anxiety, as well as learning to manage her media use in the context of everything else she needs to do in a day.

It is possible, though, that she will resist any and all of your attempts to address the situation with her. If nothing you try works—if she really can’t stop and it continues to wreak havoc for her and your family—you may need to seek professional help.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®