Ask the Mediatrician

Should I use the movie "Bully" to talk about bullying with my 10 year old?

Q: My 10-year-old son will be starting middle school in the fall. So far, he has had a pretty sheltered, drama-free experience at a great elementary school. I want him to be aware that bullying goes on and that he needs to tell someone if anything like that ever happens to him. I have thought about taking him to see the movie “Bully,” but am afraid that it will make him fear going to middle school. What do you think?
-Bothered about bullying, in Minneapolis, MN

A: Dear Bully Bothered,

Your concerns echo those of many parents who have children transitioning from one school to another. You are doing the right thing by trying to start a conversation about bullying with your son. However, your instincts on using “Bully” to introduce the subject are right on track. It may be too intense, since it includes a lot of physical and emotional child-on-child violence, as well as the suicides of bullying victims. Try opening the topic in another way.

One way approach could be to take your son for a drive and start the conversation in the car—that way, you won’t have to face each other as you talk, and his attention will be focused on the conversation (provided that he doesn’t have a book, DVD player, radio, or cell phone). Chances are your son isn’t so sheltered that he hasn’t heard about bullying, and he probably has some concerns of his own. Begin the conversation by allowing him to vocalize his thoughts:

1. Start with open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about starting middle school? What are you excited about? Worried about?”
2. It may help him talk if you depersonalize the topic, ask: “What worries do your friends have about school?”
3. If bullying hasn’t come up yet, you can present the issue from your own perspective, saying, “One thing I’m worried about is bullying, which we know can be an issue in some schools. Have you heard about that happening?" And "Please talk to me if you see anything that makes you uncomfortable. Together we can figure out a way to deal with it, and you’ll be helping to keep your school safe.”

When children and their schools see bullying as a community issue, they solve the problem by focusing on the needs of the bullies, victims, and the school community to make a positive change. This approach helps heal the community as a whole and is more effective than using a system of punishment, which often doesn’t address the core of the problem. Presenting the issue this way can help give your son a sense of shared responsibility for his school environment and will not only make him aware of bullying, but also empower him and his schoolmates against it.

For more information and resources check out:

• http://www.stopbullying.gov/
• http://www.ncpc.org/topics/bullying/what-parents-can-do

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My 17-year-old is having serious anxiety since he started playing Call of Duty--is there a connection?

Q: My 17-year-old son started playing Call of Duty a few months ago. Since that time, he has had more trouble than usual falling asleep and has been waking up in the middle of the night. Last night, he woke me saying he felt like he was having a panic attack—racing heart and hyperventilation. I hadn’t associated it with his Call of Duty play, but when we talked about it last night, I realized that the timing lined up. Is there any evidence of violent video games bringing on stress or anxiety in young players?
     —Shoot or Scare, in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

A: Dear Shoot or Scare,

The key question is this: Did your son realize the association between the time when he started playing Call of Duty and his increased general anxiety punctuated by panic attacks?

The research shows that at his level of brain development, your son is more likely than an adult to have increased fear/anxiety after playing violent video games, but less likely to have the insight necessary to make the connections. He will be address this problem more effectively if he “discovers” the relationship himself and devises a solution. If he has not made the association, it will work better if you explore with him what might be stressing him at the moment, gently steering him toward his own observations rather than telling him yours.

The reason that kids get so involved with Call of Duty (the biggest selling video game to date) and other action games is that they are designed to put players on high alert—to get their adrenaline flowing and their hearts racing, ready for unexpected turns of events. Adolescents seek new experiences and sensations—it is an integral developmental task at your son’s age. Video games are one way in which they can vicariously experience fear and mastery of that fear in a situation that is not life-threatening.

Gently encourage your son to stop playing for two weeks or so and see whether his anxiety lessens. If it does, he may want to decide whether playing the game is worth living with the symptoms. If it doesn’t, the adrenaline rush of gaming may have unmasked an underlying anxiety—he may want to take a closer look at what else is happening in his life, and consider seeking help from a talk therapist to develop effective coping strategies. See this related post for more information.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Is The Hunger Games movie too scary for younger fans of the book?

CMCH staff contributed to the following post on Thriving, Children's Hospital Boston's pediatric health blog, about the movie The Hunger Games. The post is written by Thriving blogger Tripp Underwood.

The movie The Hunger Games opens today, and record tickets sales are expected to make the grisly, post-apocalyptic, survival tale one of the spring’s biggest blockbusters. Like the Harry Potter and Twilight series before it, The Hunger Games film is based on a book written for young adults that has captured the imaginations of readers of all ages.

Considering the ultraviolent nature of The Hunger Games’ plot line—24 teenage protagonists are pitted against each other in a fight to the death—is all this hype a good thing for young, would-be fans? The intended age for young adult novels is 12 to 17, but the books’ popularity has piqued the interest of much younger readers. Not wanting to sully their younger children’s budding interest in reading, many parents across the country have allowed them to read the story.

But just because your child has read The Hunger Game books, does that mean she’s ready to watch it’s bloody action unfold on the big screen? The answer will vary from child to child, but it’s a question parents of younger Hunger Game fans need to ask.

“[Reading about violence] is a gut experience as opposed to a head experience,’’ said Michael Rich, MD, MPH, director of Children’s Hospital Boston’s Center on Media and Child Health, in a recent Boston Globe story. “A movie is very direct. You are seeing it, you are hearing it, as compared with translating it from black ink on a page into something in your own mind.’’ Continue reading here.

What could possibly make my two year old so scared of an eyeglass commercial?

Q: When a certain commercial for eyeglasses comes on TV, my two year old practically jumps in my arms and holds on for dear life! In it, one pair of eyeglasses makes a karate noise and splits into two pairs. I’m pretty sure it’s the karate sound that scares her, since her brother wears glasses and she’s not afraid of those. She gets so scared I don’t even watch channels that show that commercial. What should I do?
-Confused mom, Fresno, CA

A: Dear Confused,

You’re already doing the right thing—you see that she is terrified of this commercial, so you’re avoiding it.

To understand what’s going on, think about this from the perspective of a two year old: She probably has no idea what that loud, scary sound means to adults. To her, it’s an unfamiliar noise that makes one thing split into two things—and for a young child, changes like that can be very, very frightening.

Use this as an opportunity to limit the TV she sees that isn’t designed for young children. This commercial is aimed at adults (since they’re the ones buying glasses) and will air with TV shows that are also for adults. These shows are likely confusing, distracting, and anxiety provoking for her anyway, so I recommend waiting to watch adult TV until she’s asleep or out of the house.

For ideas on how to occupy your child while you’re getting things done—like cooking dinner or doing laundry—take a look at this post: How do I stop myself from parenting with television?

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Could my 14-year-old son's anxiety be related to playing video games?

Q: Is there a connection between excessive video game playing and increased anxiety levels? My son is 14 and has some basic anxieties like walking the dog at night that I feel are made worse by the first-person shooter games he plays. I’d love to understand if you have seen any connections here.
-Grappling with Gaming, in Westfield, NJ

A: Dear Grappling,

As a parent, you are the best monitor of your son’s well-being. If you have seen an increase in his anxiety that has paralleled his increase in first-person shooter (FPS) game play, then it is probably worth seeing what happens if he cuts back on or eliminates playing these games. Research supports what you are observing—it has found that children and adolescents frequently respond to media violence with increased fear and anxiety, because action entertainment makes violence seem more prevalent than it actually is.

Suggest that your son stop playing video games for a while. This will be easier said than done—he will not want to stop playing, and he will probably resist in every way he can. Talk about your concerns with him, and remind him that his resistance may, in fact, indicate that he might be developing an addictive relationship with gaming. If nothing else, he will stop because he wants to prove he can. Then pay attention to his behavior and see whether his anxiety diminishes.

If he doesn’t think he can stop gaming or the anxiety doesn’t go away—that is, if either piece is limiting his life in some way—then it would be good to have him evaluated by a therapist. And remember that anxiety can affect a teen’s well-being in subtler ways, such as through increased distraction, which could appear to be ADD/ADHD.

Finally, encourage your son to pursue other activities he enjoys. Increasing physical activity and getting outdoors can reduce anxiety and increase quality of life in all kinds of ways.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My 5 year old is afraid of TV—what do I do?

Q: My 5-year-old daughter does not like TV that involves conflict. She has no desire to see a Disney movie and even gets anxious when a kid gets lost on Veggie Tales. She'll watch Blues Clues, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Barney but has no desire to watch the shows for her own age. When a movie is shown in CCD or Kindergarten, she gets anxious and sometimes starts crying. Will her inability to distinguish reality from fantasy resolve with age? Or is she an overly anxious, sensitive child?
-Facing Fear, in Chicago, IL
 
A: Dear Facing Fear,

It’s wonderful that you’re observing so closely how your child responds to the media she’s using. Every child is different. Knowing your daughter and watching her as closely as you do will help you make the best decisions for her.

Because children younger than 7 or 8 can’t reliably tell what’s real and what’s not, things that don’t seem scary to you or to older siblings may terrify them. Even though cartoons are marketed for young children, most aren’t really designed with their developmental stage in mind. Conflict and suspense sell tickets to adults, whose brains understand that it’s not real, but children experience these things in a much more direct and primal way.

Many kids are encouraged or learn to cover the anxiety that these images provoke. Your daughter may simply be more transparent in her responses than others her age, and even if she does seem more sensitive than other children, that can be positive, too.

In any case, it’s likely that her fear will resolve with time, but don’t push her to achieve this developmental milestone earlier than she’s ready. That would simply encourage her pretend she is not feeling what she is feeling, which will make her more anxious in the long run. In the meantime, ask teachers and other caregivers to find alternative activities for her rather than forcing her—and peers who may be better at hiding their anxiety—to view TV or videos that trigger her very normal stress response to anxiety-provoking images.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Will my 7-year-old outgrow her fear of 3D movies like Puss in Boots?

Q: My seven-year-old daughter loves movies, and there are many 3D movies geared toward kids this holiday season—Arthur Christmas, Happy Feet 2, Hugo, Puss in Boots, and The Muppets. But when my friend took her to see Puss in Boots, which opens with snow falling, the 3-D snow really freaked my daughter out, and she refused to put the glasses back on the remainder of the film. Is this something she will grow out of? What should I do?
-Multidimensional in Atlanta, GA

A: Dear Multidimensional,

These movies can be exciting and fun—for some viewers. The 3D effect that is so engaging demands that our eyes and brains combine two artificially created 2D images into a single 3D image. This is much harder for the brain to do than it is to visually process objects that actually have three dimensions, like snow falling in real life. This processing uses parts of the brain that do not fully develop until the mid-20s (although even adults can develop eyestrain, headaches, and even nausea from watching 3D movies).

Because her brain is not fully mature, doing this work may be really uncomfortable for your daughter. It may also feel overwhelming to be “surrounded” by the movie, especially when it gets loud or scary. That’s part of what a lot of people like about 3D, but it isn’t enjoyable for everyone.

The fact that she took off the glasses and refused to put them back on actually sounds like a good thing: She’s taking care of herself. She’s determining for herself what feels good, and adjusting what she can to make herself comfortable. Those are good skills for a seven year old—or anyone—to have.

So even though your daughter may grow out of any physical discomfort with 3D, follow her lead. It’s not important for her to feel comfortable with or even like 3D. If you want to bring her to a movie, take a look at some reviews to make sure the content is right for her, and then watch it in 2D (which you can usually do in the same cineplex where it’s showing in 3D). After all, if she’s not enjoying the movie, her time—and yours—is definitely better spent elsewhere. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

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How can I get my 2½ year old's dad to stop showing her movies that scare her?

Q: I am a single mom of a fun-loving 2½ year old who watches about one hour of TV per day. She spends Saturdays with her dad, and she comes home telling me about Scooby Doo, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Happy Feet, Dumbo, and Finding Nemo. I am concerned about the age appropriateness of these selections. She has had nightmares after watching  Dumbo, and I have watched Finding Nemo and Happy Feet with her and seen her cower behind her hands in certain places. I’ve spoken to her father, and he sees no issue with her watching such TV and will not accommodate my wishes for the TV to be more educational than entertainment. Do you have any data or advice on the damage these media may have on my child?
-Concerned, in Chicago

A: Dear Concerned,

Scary media content can certainly have immediate and lasting effects on kids. Think about how clearly you remember the movies that scared you as a child. For me, the flying monkeys in Wizard of Oz sent me cowering behind the couch, and some college students report that after seeing Jaws as children, they stopped swimming entirely, even in lakes. Long-lived fear reactions like these can happen after just one viewing.

How you address your daughter’s fear reactions should depend on her age. Until she is 7 or 8, her brain won’t really understand the difference between fantasy and reality, so explaining that something isn’t real won’t help her feel better. Therefore, when you see her cowering behind her hands, turn it off, comfort her, and switch activities. If she wants to discuss it, emphasize that she is safe, and that the things she saw won’t happen to her (or to you—many animated films involve parents dying or being separated from their children).

When it comes to discussing this issue with the child’s father, of course, matters can become more complicated. He may see your request as a criticism of his parenting. To sidestep that issue, approach this as a conversation about your mutual efforts to ensure your daughter’s health and well-being, not about whether his media choices are educational.

For example, you can say, “Is she having nightmares at your house? She wakes up crying at mine, and I’m really worried. I think she’s afraid of things she sees on TV and in movies.” Talk with him about what he thinks scares her and how you might work together to create a safer-feeling environment for her. And don’t forget to share what makes her happy in everything she does, including TV and movies. 

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

How can I tell which films are OK for my child?

Q: Are two year olds too young to see motion pictures? What about some of the Disney films, like Tangled? What should I consider when thinking about taking my kids to the movies?

- Movie-Curious Mom in Washington, DC

A: Dear Mom,

The answer to your question certainly depends in part on your child’s age, but it also depends on the movie you select and on your individual child. When deciding whether a child of any age should see a given movie, ask these questions: 

How will it be perceived by your child’s brain at their stage in development? 
We know that kids’ minds are works in progress: Nature determines which parts develop when, but it leaves room for that development to reflect the environments in which kids grow up. That means that everything children experience, from the games they play to the movies they see, becomes part of their growing understanding of how the world works and how they should behave in it. Particularly during the early years of life, when the brain is rapidly developing and refining new connections, all of these new experiences can actually affect the ways their brains are built—and, thus, the way they will work in the future. 

Also note that young children’s brains can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality the way that adults’ brains can—even if they say they understand that something is only make believe.

Is the content appropriate for your child?
If you’re choosing a specific movie for your child, take a look at the parent-friendly reviews at Common Sense Media. (Here's the one for Tangled.) Kids and adults see very different things watching the same movie, so try to look at the plot and action through the filter of your individual child’s mind. Although “scary” scenes may seem obviously fake to you, your child may respond differently—my own mother barely noticed how terrified I was watching my first movie, Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, at age 5. And research shows that, like Snow White, 100% of feature-length animated films created between 1939 and 2000 included scenes of violence, so the fact that it’s animated doesn’t necessarily mean that it will feel safe to your child. 

Part of the challenge for parents is that movies are made for (and marketed to) those who buy the tickets. Even in the case of kids’ movies, then, the target audience is really the grown-ups: Story lines and dialogue with more adult meaning are included so that parents can enjoy aspects of the movie that seem to “go over the kids’ heads.” As we are all guilty of believing that our children can handle material that’s too advanced for them, we may inadvertently—with the best of intentions—expose them to films that are inappropriate for their age or stage of development. So in choosing a movie, pay attention to your child and her reactions, not to the movie’s marketing.

Remember also that in your child’s eyes, the fact that you watch a movie means that you endorse it. That may encourage her to sit through it regardless of whether she finds it enjoyable, educational, or even comprehensible. Why? Because she takes her cues from you. If there’s something in the movie you’d like her to not take at face value, either don’t show it to her at all or call it out as unacceptable.

What will the sensory experience be like?
Young children are very sensory, so whether you watch a film on the couch at home or in an unfamiliar theater on the big screen with booming surround sound will dramatically change his experience of the film. (If it’s in 3-D, that adds another dimension of complexity.)

Who is your individual child?
In thinking through sharing any media with your child, try to imagine the whole experience, sensory and content-wise, through her mind. Will her attention span allow her to sit through a two-hour movie like Tangled? (If she’s two, probably not.) Has she ever been in a big, loud place like a movie theater for any length of time? How did she handle it?

If what you imagine her seeing, hearing, and understanding is what you want for her to experience, then take her and enjoy it together. But—and this goes for any media experience with a child of any age—if you notice that she seems frightened, confused, or bored while watching, offer her the opportunity to do something else. You want media to provide positive, lasting impressions about lessons learned and time spent with you: A lifetime of scary forest memories just isn’t worth it.

These related Q&As may offer some movie-choosing insight as well:

• What are some good kids’ movies for my 5 year old to enjoy?
• My daughter got scared by a movie, what should I do?
• How can I prevent my child from being upset by media content?

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician® 

 

 

My son's school assignment is to watch the news, but I don't usually let him; what do I do?

Q: For my 12 year old son’s history homework last night, the assignment from his textbook was to think about the news he watches (it said watches, not reads) and write an essay relating a news story to something in his history book. I don't let him watch the news because I think it is often more scary than the movies or video games he sees. For example, the lead story today on Yahoo was that our planet was going to stop sustaining life. What would you recommend we do?
-No News is Good News, in Tennessee

A: Dear No News,

There are a few different issues to address here: whether and how TV news is problematic for kids, why a history book might recommend that kind of assignment, why a teacher might assign it, and what you as a parent can do about it. Let’s take them one at a time:

You are right to be concerned about your kids’ exposure to TV news. Because a more tabloid approach tends to bring higher ratings, TV news stations often cover the most outrageous stories they can find. This helps them hold onto their viewers. But this approach also increases our perception of the presence of violence in the world and may make it feel much closer to home than it is (e.g., consider the Elizabeth Smart story, which frightened people far outside of the community in which that kidnapping occurred). Research shows that the impact of exposure to such frightening media can affect kids for a long time.

So why might a history book recommend that kids compare history to TV news? For the same reason that a teacher might assign such a task: to increase the student’s interest, understanding, and retention by connecting what they’re learning in school to what they’re exposed to in their daily lives. What you’re pointing out is that this assignment assumes that such programming is appropriate for kids—and given how much TV news has changed and how long ago new textbooks may have been purchased, that assumption might have been okay at the time of publication. It probably isn’t anymore.

If the goal of the assignment is to connect what kids are learning to what they see in their daily lives, there are certainly other ways to do it. I might recommend that your son write the essay comparing what he read in his textbook to a news story he encountered from a different source, like a newspaper or website, and then explain to his teacher why he made that shift. His teacher might be interested to hear the reasons he changed the assignment, and if your son makes a strong enough case that students should be able to compare what they’ve read to a story in other kinds of media—not just the TV news—his teacher might even adopt it in general.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®