Ask the Mediatrician

How can I stop my kids from being 'catfished'?

Q:The Manti Te’o “catfish” story makes me wonder how I can best prepare my teens for future online friendships. My teens say that kids meet through friends-of-friends online and off, but online they just lie about personal information. I’ve always thought that practicing strong communication skills, honesty, integrity, and trust would help my kids grow up to be emotionally healthy adults, but can these traits fully develop if they don’t practice or value them online? How can I help my kids avoid catfish schemes without becoming bottom dwellers themselves? 
-Swimming in murky waters, Chicago, IL

A: Dear Swimming,

To answer your questions about how your teens present themselves online—and how they can avoid catfish schemes—let’s first talk about what’s going on with them developmentally:

1) Adolescents are right in the middle of developing self-awareness and individual identities. Because they are figuring out who they are, they may experiment with different behaviors and personalities—both online and off. Sometimes it seems as if they change personalities as often as they change their clothes.

2) Because their identities are still fluid and forming, adolescents often present, in person or through social media, a mix of who they are and who they aspire to be. So a shy girl may post a picture of herself in a bikini or a boy who doesn’t drink alcohol, but wants to be included in the party crowd, will post a story about getting drunk.

So your adolescents’ online portrayals of themselves do appear dishonest, but it is usually experimental and aspirational - who they think they are or want to be right now - rather than deceitful on their part. “Catfishing”, such as what occurred in Manti Te’o’s case, is more intentional, a deliberate effort to deceive. It may be the work of a shy or insecure person who feels inadequate trying to attract someone they like, so they create a fake online persona. This fictional character can be completely different than the actual person,  and may even use someone elses’ photos, life story and gender (as in Manti Te’o’s case) in hopes of attracting attention. Other  “catfishing” schemes are scams, that try to draw vulnerable people into “relationships” in order to get them to send them money.

It is important that your kids use social media to connect with people they already know, whether through school, the community or through trusted friends and family. They shouldn’t send money or locating information to people whom they do not know – and they shouldn’t arrange to meet those people in person, unless they are in a safe public place and are accompanied by friends or family.

Perhaps the most effective and developmentally optimal way to approach this is not solely as a social media or internet issue, but about how an honest portrayal of themselves can help your kids connect with others in real and substantial ways. Encourage them to think about how they would respond to discoveries that their friends or romantic interests were not who they represented themselves to be. Good relationships are built on honesty and trust. Social media is a great way to connect with people of like interests and a useful venue in which to explore how to communicate and build relationships. Done with foresight and care, it can provide a good foundation for lasting friendships.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

My 10-year-old-daughter was frightened by a pornographic video, what do I do now?

Q: My 10-year-old daughter had a sleepover with 3 friends. It turns out that one of the girls brought a smartphone and pulled up some porn. My daughter is still quite traumatized by what she saw, and my husband and I are trying to figure out how to counsel her. The girls saw three explicitly pornographic videos, which she described to me in detail. What can do to support her? What implications might these images have on our young daughter’s developing views of sexuality?
-Culture Shocked in New Delhi, India

 A: Dear Culture Shocked,

It’s tricky when kids who are forming their sense of themselves as sexual beings are exposed to portrayals of sex in the media, which are often unrealistic and dehumanizing. It can certainly affect their understanding of how sex and relationships work. To address that challenge, first help your daughter make sense of what she saw. Nurture her and share her discomfort, asking empathetically about her feelings, and, most importantly, listen to her without judgment. Let her talk as long as she needs to, and ask questions when it feels right.

Then take some time to put what she saw in context. Explain that, just like her favorite movies, pornography is a manufactured fiction that exaggerates, sensationalizes, and makes superficial something that can be a very special experience of intimacy and trust. What she saw was made-up stories and the people in them are actors who were paid for what they did. Talk with her about what I call “the five C’s” of healthy sexual behavior:

• Closeness
• Commitment
• Consent
• Contraception
• Consequences

These are rarely present in media portrayals of sex but are extremely important in real life. Spend some time with her looking for positive representations of relationships and intimacy that include those 5 C’s. Direct her to resources you trust for healthful, accurate, age-appropriate information on sex and sexuality.

To help her manage future situations like this, let her know that she doesn’t have to stay in a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Encourage her to say that she doesn’t want to watch those videos, or if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, to make up a reason to leave the room. Let her know she can always call you to come pick her up, and that she can always talk to you.  

Finally, use this as an opportunity to discuss internet safety more broadly. Let your daughter know that while the internet can be a wonderful tool, you can’t take everything you find at face value—there are people who are trying to sell items or ideas, and they don’t always have your daughter’s best interests at heart. Giving your daughter the skills to navigate the internet and offering yourself as a resource when she needs help will equip her to trust her own instincts in the future if she is exposed to something she finds confusing or upsetting.  

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Should we keep kids away from media after the Boston Marathon bombings?

Dear Readers,

Our hearts hurt after Monday's explosions at the Boston Marathon. The pain and shock in our community is palpable, and it’s hard to know where to go from here.

But there is also a remarkable upsurge of help and love that sprang out of the shadow of this event. The Center on Media and Child Health is at Boston Children's Hospital, one of the many area hospitals that leapt to care for those who were injured in this attack. In situations as horrifying as this, Fred Rogers say “Look for the helpers”. Well, we are looking—and we see them everywhere. 

There are many wonderful resources to help guide you in talking with kids about this event (like Helping Kids Cope with Tragedy, How to Talk with Children about Boston Marathon Bombs, Helping Children Process the Boston Marathon Bombings). In addition to making space to talk with children and process their feelings about what’s happened, think about how to use media in ways that offer support:

• Limit exposure to the news for children of all ages. Think about who is in the room before turning on the news and when deciding how long to leave it on: 
  • Babies and toddlers: Even very young children who don’t understand what they’re seeing can sense and respond to fear in the adults around them.
  • Preschoolers and school-age kids: For those old enough to make sense of images on the screen, seeing them even once can really make an impact—and seeing them replayed over and over again can escalate feelings of fear. Younger children may even think that the explosions are happening again each time they are shown on TV.
  • Tweens and teens: Older children, too, need space from the images. They are more likely to understand that the images are real and so may feel a greater sense of threat, and that can compound when they hear the reports repeatedly.
• When they do see media images, look for the “helpers.” Ask kids to point out the people they see helping. Everyone from EMTs to policemen to people simply standing on the sidelines or actually running jumped forward to help those who were injured. Looking for the stories of bravery and selflessness can help kids feel hope.
• Look for messages of support, which can bring comfort. It may help kids—especially older kids—to feel a sense of unity and community when they see messages of support from people around the U.S. and around the world. Take a look at images of people in Kabul holding up signs expressing support, or messages of love projected onto the sides of buildings in New York.
• Connect with far-away family and friends. Mobile phones and streaming video can let kids see the faces and hear the voices of loved ones, which may help reassure and comfort them.   
• Listen to favorite songs and read favorite books. Media like these can be particularly comforting in times of great stress.  

Remember, too, to make media-free space for processing and healing. Bring kids outside for a walk in nature, which can help with calming and feelings of well-being, and make time to connect and let them know that you love them. 

Peace, health, and freedom from fear to you and your loved ones,
The CMCH Team

If TV contributes to obesity, should I limit my kids' screen time to video games and computers?

Q: I just saw that you published a study about childhood obesity and watching TV. From the article I read, it sounds like kids who watch TV and commercials for high-calorie foods are more likely to be obese—but that playing video games and using the computer aren’t a problem. Does this mean I should limit my kids’ screen time to only video games and the computer?
-Confused about consumption, in MA

A: Dear Confused,

Good question! Our study compared how middle school students use media to their body mass index (BMI), a measure which relates how heavy they are to how tall they are. We found that among those who watch TV, use computers, and play videogames, those who spent a higher percentage of their time paying attention to TV had higher BMIs.  There are a few possible explanations for this finding:

• Kids see commercials for snacks, fast food, soda, and other high-calorie, nutritionally questionable foods on TV.
• You use your hands to play video games or use a computer, but your hands are free when you watch TV. Kids often snack while watching TV, frequently on the kids of foods they see advertised.
• When kids are paying attention to the TV, they are too distracted by what they are seeing and hearing to realize that their stomachs are actually full.

Our takeaway messages, then, are for kids to skip commercials or watch commercial-free programming and to avoid eating in front of the TV.

Even though we didn’t find an association between higher BMI and video games and computers, though, it’s still possible that their use is related to obesity as well (in addition to a host of other outcomes of concern, from social isolation to aggression to addictive behavior). Our study just found that attention to TV carries the greatest risk. More research using larger groups of kids is necessary before we can draw any final conclusions about the relative effects of video game and computer use.

Our study also didn’t find that watching TV makes kids overweight—we just found that it’s one of the factors that can increase risk, just as smoking cigarettes increases risk for lung cancer but doesn’t automatically mean you’ll get it. Benefits and risks exist with all media, and we hope that by knowing the risk factors associated with how we use certain media, people will chose media mindfully, reducing risk and making their media use as positive as possible for children and for themselves.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

CMCH Monthly Meet for April: Meet Craig Ross

Dear Reader,

Continuing on with 10^th year celebration of the Center on Media and Child Health, we hope you enjoy April's Monthly Meet!

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Center on Media and Child Health Monthly Meet

Meet: Craig

How long have you been at the Center: I have been at the Center since June 2010.

What do you do at the Center: I conduct research on the association between media and adolescent risk behaviors, primarily underage drinking.

What is one of your current CMCH projects? Together with other researchers at CMCH, I have developed an innovative measure of adolescent media involvement and demonstrated a strong association between this measure and drinking initiation. I’m now designing future studies to explore this association more closely.

What is one way you like to use media creatively: Video has become a dominant means of sharing stories and the combination of video and story-telling is a powerful teaching tool. I am very interested in exploring how video can be used to communicate important information to adolescents about their health and well-being in familiar story-telling formats.

What is one of your favorite movies and why: I’m a sucker for big productions with memorable characters, great scripts, and exciting soundtracks. I’m a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies with their memorable characters played masterfully by Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush, among others, the fantastic special effects, and the outstanding musical score by Klaus Badelt.

Am I limiting my child’s chances of success in today’s economy by trying to limit his screen time?

Q: My 11-year-old son spends every free minute in front of his computer—doing homework (he really does, thank goodness), social networking, playing games, and now creating his own games. Concerned that, one by one, he has dropped sports, playing with friends, getting outdoors, and, frankly, spending time with the family, I have struggled (and been stalemated) for years trying to get him out from behind the screen. He came home from school with a news article provided by his teacher about a 17-year-old boy in England who just sold an app he developed for $30 million. Now I am wondering—are my efforts to get him away from the computer not only futile, but limiting his chances for success in today’s economy? 

Apprehensive about Apps, Ontario, Canada

A: Many parents already believe that their children need media early and often so that they will be prepared to compete in the adult world. That means parents are putting kids in front of screens from an early age, having toddlers and babies use lapware, tablet apps, smartphone games, and other forms of screen-based “edutainment” that often have little real educational value and, in some cases, may be developmentally detrimental.

It is important to remember that the reason a 17-year-old boy developing an app and selling it to a prominent company is news is because it is such a rare event. We need to understand that while there are kids with brilliant ideas and skills, these children have often spent many hours honing and developing these skills, sacrificing other activities in the process. While some may look at this early dedication as a career route, it is similar to becoming a professional athlete or musician: It requires a strict focus, innate skills, hours of practice, and sacrifice of other activities (primarily social). And after all of that, for every child who is able to successfully achieve professional status, there are thousands who will not.

My advice is for you to continue what you are doing—in addition to having some time when he’s on the computer, provide a rich and diverse experiential landscape for your son where he has the choice of many different activities (not just on a computer). Limit his screen time and give him options for other activities. If he isn’t into sports, maybe a book club, art classes, or free time outdoors will interest him. Many children join clubs, sports teams, and other organized activities for the social exposure, not necessarily for the activity itself.

Remember that children are natural generalists, not specialists. It is important for them to be able to sample a broad menu of life and to follow their hearts and minds to find what they are most passionate about. Providing your son with a landscape of diverse experiences and opportunities and seeing where he naturally gravitates will help you raise a child who is as happy, social, and productive as possible—it would be a shame to create a rich but unhappy coder at the cost of losing a brilliant and happy person because he focused his energy so narrowly so early.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

 

How can I monitor my 12-year-old daughter's use of Instagram?

Q: I am trying to monitor my 12-year-old daughter’s use of Instagram and am wondering if there is a way to find any ‘secret storage’ spaces on her smartphone. I am not too concerned right now, but in the future I would like to know how to access it. Instagram is the only social media platform I allow her to use at this point, but I am concerned that it is just as bad as Facebook. I am considering banning her from using it based on what I have seen other kids post.
-Iffy about Instagram, Rockport, MA

A: First, it is important for parents to be aware that social media are restricted by law to children 13 and older, because these sites target their users for marketing—and kids haven't fully developed the cognitive ability to understand that the personalized messages they receive are selling them a product or idea. Most importantly, however, on Instagram your daughter is sending and receiving images over the World Wide Web, where they travel quickly, spread broadly, and are "sticky"--they will exist essentially forever on hard drives somewhere in the world.

There are a number of apps available that allow users like your daughter to hide images and messages, and these apps are constantly changing. So instead of focusing your efforts on finding your daughter’s secret Instagram stash, adjust your focus. Share and teach media use with your daughter, just as you will sit in the front seat of the car when she learns to drive. The privacy and secrecy with which young people use media is not an inherent right; it has evolved because many parents have defaulted their parenting role in the digital domain. Help your daughter make decisions about photo sharing—and all social media activities—in ways that are effective, safe, and respect themselves and others. To do that, establish an ‘open-screen policy’ that includes you in her social media exchanges:

• Cyber space is not private space. sure your daughter understands that her on-line life is not separate from her ‘real’ life, and that you are her parent both on- and off-line. Children need guidance when using internet because they don’t yet fully understand or value privacy the way they will when they mature, they don't know how to protect their reputations, and they can't foresee the future repercussions that may occur.
• Educate yourself. Be sure that you know how to use the applications, sites, and accounts you allow your daughter to use. Familiarizing yourself with on-line content prior to giving your daughter permission to engage with it will ensure that it is developmentally optimal, and will give you a better understanding of her internet and social media activities.
• Be a co-member on all media accounts. Unless you are completely comfortable allowing your daughter to go to an unchaperoned party, sign up for on-line activities with her, using a username and password you both can access. This way she knows that you will have the ability to check in on her activity at random intervals, and that you are maintaining an open dialogue about her on-line activity, available to mentor and support her should an issue arise.

A large part of parenting in the digital domain is taking your everyday parenting know-how and applying it to the digital environment in which your children are growing up. You are more prepared and qualified than you think--human development has not changed, the environment has. You can learn it from and with your daughter, turning a source of worry into an opportunity for bonding.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

CMCH Monthly Meet for March: Meet Isabel Lopes

Dear Reader,

Continuing on with 10^th year celebration of the Center on Media and Child Health, we hope you enjoy March's Monthly Meet!

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Center on Media and Child Health Monthly Meet

Meet: Isabel Lopes

How long have you been at the Center: I have been at the Center since March 2008.

What do you do at the Center: I am a Librarian with CMCH. I help support the Center's reference needs (like finding links to resources and research for Ask the Mediatrician posts!) and manage all aspects of developing the CMCH Database of Research.

What is one of your current CMCH projects? My main project is supporting the development of the CMCH Database of Research by populating it with current research on children, media, and health. I am also working on developing sponsor webpage for our website.

What is one way you like to use media creatively: My son is extremely interested in all sorts of technology, and I am always looking for ways to be creative with technology, particularly with apps. We love to make short movies and stories and it can be just about anything and anywhere. We have great movies of our son reading in Portuguese, playing games, exploring water, and pretending to be a rock star. Our favorite apps are: Audioboo, My story, and Educreations.

What is one of your favorite movies: I love to watch movies! My local library is a gold mine and has amazing and unique foreign movies. I like movies that tell great retrospective stories, and my favorite movies are either independent or foreign movies, including Mississipi Masala, Cinema Paradiso and Burnt by the Sun.

Is it ok to let my kids play with the iPad when I need a break?

I have two kids, ages 7 and 2. My eldest is given access to the iPad on car trips and once in a while at home. My younger son likes to sit by his brother while he plays and of late, has been pointing to it and asking for it. There are some days when I have given in, especially during fussy mealtimes or when I need to work and keep him occupied. My question is, will allowing him to play on the iPad once in a while adversely affect his development? Is it a terrible idea to let him use it sometimes just to give Mommy a break?

 - iConcerned, USA

Dear iConcerned,

There’s nothing inherently harmful about using tablets for either of your kids, and it may have some benefits. Tablets require that kids interact with the device both mentally and physically, with their fingers and hands not just watching. Particular kinds of learning can happen when a child sees that his action (like touching an image of a cow) makes something else happen (like a “moo” sound), and tablets can offer that kind of engagement in unique ways.

To keep it positive, pay attention to how long they’re using the iPad – your 2-year-old has a significantly shorter attention span than your 7-year-old. Observe him using it once or twice and you will see that after 15-20 minutes, he will probably look up for something else to do. When this occurs, direct him to another sort of play, with blocks, imaginary play, or going outdoors. This way the iPad becomes part of a rich and diverse menu of experience rather than drawing him back in for another cycle.

 The content each child is using should be developmentally optimal for each child—and that means having different content for each. Here are some tips to manage time and content:

• Choose content with each child in mind. You can use parent reviews from Common Sense Media to decide which apps, books, and games to try out, choosing a variety of activities such as finger painting, making music, and, for your 7-year-old, activities and games with reading, math, and science. Observe closely how each child responds and interacts with the content he is being exposed to, then help each of them choose content that will both interest and challenge them.
• Use it with them sometimes. The way that kids best use technology to learn and grow is with adult interaction and guidance, bonding with them and “scaffolding” their explorations.
• Use the tablet as part of their rich experience, rather than a babysitter. Continue to foster the same expectations for tablet time with your 2-year-old as you have done with your 7-year-old. While it is okay employ the tablet to smooth car rides or even to grab a few moments to work, I would recommend against using it at mealtimes for a host of physical and mental health reasons. It is important that the iPad doesn’t become an expected (or demanded) part of the daily routine and remains a special, once-in-a-while activity.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®

Will playing hunting video games cause my son to be more aggressive and desensitize him to violence?

Q: Hello, I am the mother of a 10-year-old boy. We don’t allow violent video games in the house, but we do allow him to play first-person shooter hunting games (Duck Hunter, Cabela’s, Big Buck Hunter, etc.), which he loves, especially as he takes a hunting trip with his father every year. My fear is that his love of these games and hunting is somehow desensitizing him to real violence and is carrying over into inappropriate behavior; he will also often play shooting games with his friends (cops-and-robbers style) and talk about his favorite types of guns and how they kill. My concern has been heightened since the Sandy Hook shooting and subsequent discussions about media violence and increasing gun control measures. My question is, are the hunting video games negatively affecting my son, or desensitizing him to person-against-person violence?

- Humbled over hunting games, NY

A: Dear Humbled,

Hunting is a time-honored tradition carried down from our days as hunter-gatherers. It can teach your son patience and how to use weapons safely, and it can endow him with a respect for life and love of the natural world. Since we no longer need to hunt for our food, your son’s experience of hunting is perhaps most importantly a ritual bonding with his father—and earlier generations.

 The critical issue is what meaning your son makes of those experiences—and what relationship that has to his video game play. He may have a more realistic understanding of the impacts of violence because of his experience with hunting, which could make it clearer to him that the video game images don’t truthfully represent what happens when a bullet hits a living being. One can easily see how someone who is sensitive to those experiences would be even less inclined to shoot or become violent towards someone else, as they have seen the realities of death and suffering.

 While there is research that has examined how young people respond to first-person shooter games where the targets are people (or people-equivalents like aliens or zombies), the Center on Media and Child Health’s Database of Research has not found any rigorous research that explores the influence of playing hunting video games. With person-against-person video game violence, the killing is rewarded especially if it is reflexive and efficient. Video games portray violence as powerful, cool, and the way to resolve conflicts and prevail. They don’t show what it’s actually like when someone suffers the wounds that real-life weapons inflict. Instead, they can make violence feel attractive and desensitize players to the suffering, loss, and grief that can result.

 I would recommend that you talk explicitly with your son about these issues:

1. Ask, in a non-judgmental way, how he feels and what he thinks about hunting. Encourage him to learn from American Indians and other masters of the hunt, to understand and respect the animals he hunts, and to think about how he can honor his prey and never waste a kill.
2. Sit with your son as he plays his video games and discuss the ways that it simulates and that it differs from real hunting. Avoid overt criticism or passive acceptance, but make your concerns known. Although he (and his dad) may be annoyed in the moment, this will show him that you care about who he is and who he will become, that you take the influence of video games seriously, and that you are willing and able to parent him in the digital domain as well as “real life”.

Remember, as irritated as kids can get over active parenting, just having this conversation will encourage your son to think critically about the media he uses and how they may influence him. Continue to observe, sharing your observations when necessary, and keep the lines of communication open when it comes to the media choices he makes.

Enjoy your media and use them wisely,
The Mediatrician®